I sent this song to my husband when we were apart. He saved the song on his phone and played it for me today. It made me break down into tears. It is so powerful because it perfectly describes what I was feeling when we separated. This was before he found out he had cancer. I posted the lyrics and a link to listen to the song. Please take the time to listen to out. Thanks and much love to all who care and pray for us.

“I Don’t Believe You” by Pink

I don’t mind it
I don’t mind at all
It’s like you’re the swing set and I’m the kid that falls
It’s like the way we fight, the times I’ve cried, we come to blows
And every night the passion’s there so it’s gotta be right, right?

No I don’t believe you
When you say don’t come around here no more
I won’t remind you
You said we wouldn’t be apart
No, I don’t believe you
When you say you don’t need me anymore
So don’t pretend
To not love me at all

I don’t mind it
I still don’t mind at all
It’s like one of those bad dreams when you can’t wake up
Looks like you’ve given up, you’ve had enough
But I want more no I won’t stop
’cause I just know you’ll come around… right?

No I don’t believe you
When you say don’t come around here no more
I won’t remind you
You said we wouldn’t be apart
No, I don’t believe you
When you say you don’t need me anymore
So don’t pretend
To not love me at all

Just don’t stand there and watch me fall
’cause I, ’cause I still don’t mind at all
It’s like the way we fight, the times I cry, we come to blows
And every night the passion’s there so it’s gotta be right, right?

No I don’t believe you
When you say don’t come around here no more
I won’t remind you
You said we wouldn’t be apart
No, I don’t believe you
When you say you don’t need me anymore
So don’t pretend
To not love me at all
I don’t believe you

New Menu category

To show the validity of my blog and that my funding site I set up is for a legitimate cause I am posting my husbands medical records here. I understand that there are many people in this world who will lie and scheme just to make money. I just want to let everyone know that everything on my blog is true to my life and situation. At the top of the screen on my blog there is a menu and I added a choice: MEDICAL RECORDS.  That can be clicked on to view records. Much love to all and God Bless You!

Summary of My Current Situation

My story is long and I have been through a lot.  Some of my long time followers know the details.  However, my husband did ask that I delete some of those posts that discussed details of this entire journey right from the beginning.  I was separated from my family and I won’t discuss the details that some have already read about before I removed those posts.  The fact is that I am now back with my family, but in order for that to have happened we had to jump through hoops and are in a financial bind.

The basic problem now is that my husband is only 44 years old and was diagnosed with stage four colon cancer that metastasized to his liver.  The outlook isn’t great and he has been politely informed that he is not a candidate for surgical treatment.  We have two kids together and I have a son who is eleven from a previous relationship.  My husband and I have two daughters ages 1 and 6.  He cries because he won’t see them grow up, graduate, get married, or know his grandkids.  He cries from severe pain.  He has a mass in his colon that is very large and causes severe pain after eating.  His liver is enlarged and causes severe pain.  He gets chemotherapy every other week and brings a bag home hooked to his port for three days.  I have to help him get up, take his shoes on and off, even help him shower because moving around too much causes him so much pain.  When he gets his treatments he can only eat and drink things at room temperature because of one of the medications they use as part of the treatment.

He has stage four colon cancer metastasis to the liver and he hasn’t even reached the age of 50, which is the age they recommend beginning to get a colonoscopy regularly.  I am thirty and have been a stay at home mom for most of our marriage.  I do have a good education (Bachelor degree in health care administration and two associate degrees: one in business management and one in business marketing).  I went through postpartum depression and that is part of the reason we were separated and during that time he found out he had cancer.  We were not permanently separated, just until I got on the right medications.  So, now I am having a hard time getting a job due to my lack of employment history.  My education is on my side and I am hoping to find something soon.

I am not convinced that surgical treatment is out of the question.  Nor am I convinced that he is receiving the best treatment available.  This is likely due to his insurance, which is Medicaid.  The allowable amount for procedures, treatments, surgeries, etc. is very low for Medicaid compared to the regular fee and the allowable amount of other insurance companies.  I have made an appointment with a cancer center that specializes in colon, colorectal, and metastatic cancer to the liver for a surgical evaluation and a second opinion on the proper treatment needed.  However, this evaluation appointment will have to be paid for out of pocket until we change our Medicaid plan.  In Florida Medicaid requires you to choose a plan and use a specific network of providers.  Medicaid has different plans to choose from and I think it is ridiculous.  Medicaid is Medicaid and that should be that.

We are struggling and I have a lot of things I want to post on my blog.  I need advice about how to deal with certain aspects of this such as what to tell the children or not to tell them, etc.  I like to post my feelings through art as you all have seen.  I am trying to figure out what to expect.  I am trying to come to terms with the reality that he could die soon, but I try to believe the survival rates are wrong.  I have read instances where stage four colon cancer with metastasis to the liver has been cured.  I am trying to find the right surgeon and cancer treatment team specializing in just what he has.  I am trying to fix our insurance to see the cancer specialists I have made an appointment with that specialize in this type of cancer.  I want to fix it.  It is difficult when I am trying to fix something and in the back of my mind I have to realize it might not be something that can be fixed.  But, I am going to try and I won’t stop trying.  Thanks for the support of my followers and feel free to comment.  I enjoy comments from those that read my posts.  It lets me know I am not dealing with this alone as I am at least in the thoughts of others.  Much love to all and God Bless You!


Liebster Award Accepted With Honor

Liebster Award

Liebster Award

I am honored to accept this award from a follower of mine who calls herself pigtailed bandit.  Her blog is one that, of course, you must check out because she thought enough of me and my blog to honor me with this award.  The link to her blog is as follows: With this award some rules must be followed as a requirement for the acceptance of the award.  So, here they are and I would appreciate my followers, so kindly helping me obediently follow the rules. I suppose the fist common appropriate thing that must be done is to accept the award, post the picture of the Liebster Award on the top of the post and say who nominated you for the award and list their blogsite (check: accomplished) Now for the official rules

  1. List 11 random facts about myself
  2. Nominate 11 other bloggers for the Liebster Award and list their blogsites
  3. Notify the bloggers of their award
  4. Ask the award winners 11 questions to answer when they accept their Liebster Award
  5. Answer the questions the blogger that gave the award to me left for me to answer.


  1. I tend to leave cabinet doors and drawers open all of the time.  Don’t ask me why, if I knew, I wouldn’t do it.
  2. I wash my hands and drip water all over the floor by the time I get to a towel to dry them (one of my husband’s pet peeves).
  3. I pray more by feeling a constant connection with my heart, mind, and soul sinking with God continuously than I do each night when I lay down to go to sleep
  4. I wear this amazing beautiful hat that is posted on me in a picture on my blog site all of the time driving down the road, going into store, walking around the house, even falling asleep in it.
  5. I wear a blue colon cancer awareness bracelet all of the time on my right wrist that reads….say it (then has the pic of an awareness ribbon) Fight it (then another awareness ribbon) Cure it.
  6. I have eczema.  From a biopsy, I most recently found out exactly what it is called.  Spongiotic psorisoform dermatitis.  A mouth full.  Sorry, if I spelled it wrong.
  7. Every year my arms break out up and down with rashes from decorating the Christmas tree
  8. One time, my husband and I cut a Christmas tree down out of the woods.  We put it in our house and haha, guess what?  It contained a nest of praying mantis’s and thousands hatched all over our apartment.
  9. I can’t sing and if you even asked me too you would immediately start screaming stop and covering your ears.
  10. My computer is broke and I have to use it in safe mode just to do anything on it.
  11. I am still amazed and can’t believe that God blessed me with three beautiful children, two girls and one boy. It makes me feel like God loves me so much to give me such wonderful and the most wonderful gifts a person could ever asked to be blessed with


  1. Do you believe in “God”? Why or Why not.

Yes, I believe in God.  My mother gets all the credit for teaching me to be a woman of faith.  I am human and sometimes ask why.  Even though I know I am not supposed to.  But, God is forgiving and he is here in my heart.  He knows me inside and out.  He gets me.  He loves me.  I trust him.  I love him.  I believe in him.  Yes, I do indeed and proudly so, believe in God. 2.If there was one thing you could create within the human race what would it be? I would create the human race to have the ability to see through the pride, selfishness, and inability to judge themselves as they judge others. I would create in the human mind a natural state of non-judgmental viewpoints and acceptance.  I would create a human race with the ability to understand and accept the beauty of difference and embracing the word acceptance. 3..What is your favorite smell? I have a perfume called “be amazing” I love that smell.  It reminds me of the smell I smelled when walking into the store American Eagle as a teenager. 4.What is your favorite memory? My favorite memory is a very unique memory.  After my husband proposed to me for marriage.  When I decided to set a wedding date, I bought him a ring and got down on my knee and proposed to him that we set a wedding date.  He cried and we danced.  Amazing memory.  My most favorite memory for sure. 5.Instead of answering these questions, what would you rather be doing? Working on posts I have in mind for my blog, that will probably be long forgotten and lost, since I am an in the moment writer.  But, I actually really am enjoying answering these questions.  Seriously. 6.. Do you eat your french fries with Ketchup or Mayonnaise? Ketchup sometimes.  Mayonnaise, never.  Sometimes, salt alone, with no ketchup. 7. Do you own pets? No, I wish I did, but my mind doesn’t have the energy to go through potty training, chewing up no no’s, etc. right now. 8. If you could change something about my blog to improve it, what would it be? I really liked your pic before you changed it.  I would change it back and that is the only thing I would change.  You are a beautiful and amazing person and blogger.  I love the way you express yourself. 9. How do you feel about fonts? As long as I can read them, it’s fine.  Wish we had more options on wordpress, or maybe I am still learning and just don’t know how to use them and integrate them into my blog. 10. Do you want to answer one more question? Absolutely, for you, especially 11. Is this award important to you? Any award is important to me.  No matter how big or how small.  Just the fact that you chose me and noticed my blog as important enough to honor makes the award mean more to me than any other one I will receive.   Why?  Because it is the first I received and it came from someone as special as you. Someone who commented on one of my posts that was so special to me that I actually reposted that comment on my blog.  Much love to you.  I like you and I think you are amazing and beautiful.  Thank you.  It is an honor. Following the rules of this award is no easy task and I am working on it consistently.  I have already chosen my number one nominee.  Secret though.  Anyway.  I still have to come up with 11 questions after choosing the 11 blogs.  I’m getting there.  Working hard on this today. OKAY, HERE ARE MY ELEVEN NOMINEES IN ORDER. 1. The wonderful people who created this blog most likely do not have the time to follow these rules.  Therefore, though it might be out of my hands to do so, my heart and God’s had wrapped around my heart at this time give me permission to allow this site to accept this award from me without having to follow any of the rules.  Keep doing what you do.  You are number one to me hands down.  I am blessed to have these hats you made for me and my children.  These will forever and I do mean forever, be cherished and never viewed as anything less than three of the most precious objects we own.  Much love to you.  God Bless You and he has already.  With all of my heart.  Thank you.  I hope you don’t mind, but I want everyone to see just how special you and your blog really are, so I have posted below some words straight from your blog. Jazlyn created this black hat for our new Secret Mission.  We are doing a drive for children Chemo Warriors in a specific theme.  We have been planning this for a while and will probably unveil the secrecy at a later time.  My daughter used black charisma yarn and did a garter stitch for the brim.  The rest of the hat is e-wrapped.  I am very proud that my teenage daughter enjoys making hats and finds it rewarding to give her creations to Chemo Warriors.  In fact, I asked her if she wanted to keep the first hat of our Secret Mission, <yes it’s so cool, that she & my son will want one> and she told me, “Nah.  There’s plenty of time to make hats for us.  Let’s concentrate on the kids who are fighting cancer!”.  Aww, my heart must have burst with pride.  But trying to “be chill” <teenage lingo meaning mom, don’t go messing this moment up>, I just smiled and looked down so she couldn’t see my eyes that started filling with tears (of joy & pride).  That’s my baby! ~Pali Making hats for sick children, babies in the NICU and Chemo Warriors is very, very rewarding.  It’s my way of giving back, doing good work as an act of service or making kindness, my religion, so to speak.  And when we ship off a box of hats to a hospital or oncology center, I know that the hats really make people happy and hopeful.  It shows people that there are folks out in this cruel world that really do care.  And sometimes we get a connection and maybe a photo of a recipient who is wearing our creation.  It’s so special to me, it touches my heart profoundly to make that connection.  With these special requests, it starts with that connection, the personal story.  I get the privilege of getting to know what their challenges are, what they like and then I receive these beautiful photos with amazing smiles.  The pictures are so much better than my imagination.  Thank you for sending us these pictures!  The pictures of these smiling faces wearing my creations is really my motivation.  I am honored to be a small part of their lives. ~Pali 2 .Now, you my dear, must follow the rules.  Saying that with humor and all smiles because you are my top choice aside from the very special blog that I have to give the first choice to. SHELLAKERS I Choose to give the number two (one for rule following) spot to this blog.  She is one of my followers and calls herself SHELLAKERS.  The way she documents her daughters lives and motherhood is beautiful and inspiring. It is like a scrapbook of something very special.  This blog must be kept alive and never shut down.  Please.  It will be something very special to your daughters and your grandchildren throughout the years.  Not only is she amazing and expressive.  He photography is excellent.  The best part of it all is what she means to me.  Through comments on my posts back and forth she has, even if she does not realize it, helped me in a way that will allow her to be blessed.  She said in one comment that I am in the process of being blessed Big time.  Well, I think I am blessed to have her in my life just by following my blog and I think her children are even more blessed to have her as their mother.  She is my number one choice.  So I am giving her the Liebster Award and am honored to do so. 3. This is one of my followers.  He is Rising Hawk and I like his blog because it is one of those blogs that can be interpreted in many different ways.  It is kinda deep in it’s own way.  I have a passion for the way that we all interpret things differently and some of his poems are very inspiring just because I can see in them that “interpretation belongs to the reader”.  Those are special types of poetic writings.  He has also been one of the most inspiring followers I have.  As all of my followers have helped me tremendously.  He, too, is consistent and I feel his heart is deeply feeling for me and my situation.  That, in itself, takes a special kind of person. 4.SLPMARTIN Okay, a bit raw and quite forward, you must be warned before checking out this blog.  However, I am going to quote the words from his blog that led me to choosing him as one of the eleven nominees.


Poetry has the power to make us aware of what is hidden in the shadows…those places that we seldom see or want to see…the poet’s voice scrapes away the facade of an issue and lays bare for all to see what has been denied. By providing a voice to these mute realities, poets have throughout history altered the course of events by enlightening readers and encouraging them to take action to stop wars, halt injustice, and to reach out to their fellow man. Like those poets who have proceeded me, I am motivated by the same desire to bring about the social changes necessary to enhance the quality of life for those around me and around the world and to give voice to those who cannot speak for themselves” The Hawk Chronicles is now available 5. This is a blog of a very brave man who puts his thoughts out there hoping to touch others.  Check it out.  I have posted below, words that come straight from his blog. Hi Everybody, Basically I am an extreme introvert, I will never open up with anybody until I feel deeply intimate with that person. Thus creating lots & lots of advantages & disadvantages for me in my life. Last year “Cancer” was detected in my body and I had to undergo harsh treatment (chemotherapy). I was a high risk patient right from the stage of diagnosis. After completing my chemotherapy,“Cancer” was cleared off my body, but to no avail as new fatal, post chemo infections were detected in my body(after effects of chemo), Now I m on very heavy medications. I know the treatment is “Palliative & not Curative”. So ultimately I have decided to open up myself  & share my “Thoughts & Feelings” with the world. Hope I succeed. I would like here to quote some famous personalities who have undergone cancer treatment:  their expression & their feelings If children have the ability to ignore all odds and percentages, then maybe we can all learn from them. When you think about it, what other choice is there but to hope? We have two options, medically and emotionally: give up, or Fight Like Hell – Lance Armstrong One must not forget that recovery is brought about not by the physician, but by the sick man himself. He heals himself, by his own power, exactly as he walks by means of his own power, or eats, or thinks, breathes or sleeps – Georg Groddeck During chemo, you’re more tired than you’ve ever been. It’s like a cloud passing over the sun, and suddenly you’re out. You don’t know how you’ll answer the door when your groceries are delivered. But you also find that you’re stronger than you’ve ever been. You’re clear. Your mortality is at optimal distance, not up so close that it obscures everything else, but close enough to give you depth perception. Previously, it has taken you weeks, months, or years to discover the meaning of an experience. Now it’s instantaneous – Melissa Bank My Thoughts I have been actively participating with several cancer patients during their treatment in the last decade, some extremely close friends, some known people & some small children. I m witness to the strength & weakness of the patients, the most brave among  them all, I found were the children,  their sustainance was phenomenal apart from their innocence & sponteniety. Earlier I had learnt & understood about tolerance, endurance & wisdom, but I have experienced all these great qualities practically only with the children. I will cherish their memories till my last breath, I m absolutely sure my strength are the children & to some extent myself. Ajaytao 6 . This blog is special because it is someone sharing their journey with Lymphoedema.  Cancer is a scary thing and we all need people to relate to what we are feeling.  I posted the section about me: below.  Please visit and check out this blog.


On 14th March 2013 I will be having a Lymph Node Transplant.I have had Lymphoedema in my left leg since surgery 11 years ago for Cancer. At the time, 22 lymph nodes were removed from the groin area followed by pelvic radiation for a month. During the past 11 years I have had compression bandaging, laser, manual drainage and have worn compression stockings or tights. It is a daily battle to keep the lynphoedema under control. I have found water aerobics a great help as the water gives natural compression. However due to this I have had numerous episodes of cellulitis, so it is “catch 22″. What helps the swelling does not help the danger of infection. Last year I started to hear about Lymph Node transplants being done overseas. I started to research this and by some miracle a new clinic had opened in Sydney at the Macquarie Uni Hospital – the Advance Lymphoedema Clinic. I had to attend for assessment as to whether I was a suitable candidate. Surgeons at Macquarie Uni Hospital are performing Lymph Node transplants and Liposuction on those not suitable for the transplant. I had a Lymphoscintogram performed to check the activity of other lymph nodes in my leg, as well as its condition to ensure it was not fibrous or very swollen and that I was in general good health. I will also need an MRI prior to surgery. Lymph nodes are to be taken from my neck and placed behind the knee. I have decided to write this blog to bring awareness to a little understood health problem that causes both men and women great anguish. There is both primary and secondary Lymphoedema. In documenting this procedure I will be keeping a record of my progress and outcomes. Please follow my journey and share with others to educate people on what it means to live with Lymphoedema. 7. This is also one of my followers that leaves me many inspiring comments that help me through some of my down days. She calls herself Octavia02. I like her blog.  I like her writing.  Check it out. Again, below I have posted her words from her blog on her about section below: The Night Kitchen is where we gather when the world is asleep. It’s warm with pink stones smooth to touch under our feet while yellow light glowing through the windows iIlluminates our love, our connection. As for me – I like to write and maybe someone out there will like to read. Read me that is. Like to read me. And the things I write. I’ll meet you in this kitchen where there’s always room for more. 8. This is at the top of her blog and I believe all of us dealing with cancer need supporters, so check it out.  Give some more support.  Spread the love.  We all need it.  All of us… LIVING WITH CANCER… 9. This is as stated on the blog “a journey about death” I apologize as some of my nominees are blog where people are expressing serious life events and need supporters.  That is what I am here for and that is why I feel no shame in nominating those who are brave enough to put it all out there.  What they feel.  What they need others to step into and be brave enough to share journeys with them. 10. Renard Moreau Presents Cool miscellaneous thoughts They are interesting….check it out. 11 . I am nominating this blog because she is just one of us many bloggers speaking out about what means the most to her and issues that often go unrecognized.  Trying to reach out to others and hoping to make the world a better place. I posted her about section below: My name is Monique Brittingham-Fleming and I reside in Philadelphia, Pa.. I am a full time student majoring in Sociology and also a full time worker. I am married to my best friend and have zero children. I decided to start this blog due to the lack of easily accessible information on the topic of Fibromyalgia. I was diagnosis with the disorder almost a year ago after two years of suffering in pain with no answers. Thankful unlike most with the condition, I found a great doctor who fully understood the condition and was able to provide me with great information. That is another reason why I started this blog. Unfortunately many with the condition will go undignosised due to the medical community’ s disagreement on the condition, in which you have those who truly believe that the condition is real, while others believe that it is all in the mind of the patient. Sadly this attitude has led to many suffers becoming depressed and secluded from the outside world 12. I am sorry.  I have to nominate one more. MY ELEVEN QUESTIONS FOR THE NOMINEES TO ANSWER

  1. What is your definition of Faith?
  2. How do you interpret the phrase, “walk blindly with faith”?
  3. What is your definition of Grace?
  4. Do you believe there is only one person on this Earth that you are destined to be with or do you believe there are many people you could be compatible with, it is just a matter of staying faithful to that one, out of the many, that you find and choose to be with?
  5. Do you feel like you judge others unfairly, while overlooking your own faults?
  6. Do you feel like you are completely honest with yourself or do you have a habit of finding ways to justify your wrongdoings?
  7. Do honest and straightforward people offend you?  Not rudely straightforward and honest?  People like me?  People who as these types of questions?
  8. Do you fear each day that your life might end while you still have may people you need to make amends with and have important conversations with?
  9. Are you still trying to figure out who you are and what you stand for?  Where you stand on important life topics?
  10. Are you afraid of life and adding to the question, are you afraid of death?
  11. Are you more afraid of your own death or the death of a loved one?

Thank you

I want to say THANK YOU SO MUCH!!! to all of my followers and supporters.  I read every single reply I get and try to comment.  It is very difficult sometimes to get to reply to every single one, but just know that i read every one and am touched by every single comment.  It means the world to me to have so much love and support from you all.  God bless!  Keep reading, it is  much appreciated.

About My Blog Writing

I am dedicating this blog as my main source of coping with my feelings as I deal with my husbands diagnosis with stage 4 colon cancer.  However, I have things from my past that I wrote about previously and may share sometimes. I also have other feelings pertaining to other life situations as well.  So, I am going to just be me and free my inner self without fear (not always so easy).  I have spent my life worrying about what everyone else thinks about my beliefs, thoughts, opinions, and feelings.  So, now I just want to make this place mine.  A place where I can finally be me and hope my followers accept me and enjoy what is inside my mind.


I am in the process of creating this blog and it is very new to me.  Please be patient with me while I am developing my blogging skills.  I am going to be actively posting my thoughts at the same time I am learning how this works.  Also, I am totally open to any assistance, advice, and helpful tips. Thanks to all!

My husband is the most amazing man I have ever met.  We have been through things that many people in the world would have walked away from rather than enduring the difficulties of sticking it out through the storm.  I believe that divorce is the result of people choosing to take the easy way out and just walk away, rather than be strong enough to wait it out and endure the storms they must face to come out of a situation together.  I am very thankful we are one of those couples that love each other enough to make it out when times get tough.

A few months ago, he was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer and I went to places of emotion that I never even knew were possible.  Acceptance of what fate brings to you is a very difficult process.  I have been searching for the answer to this question: “How do I cope and experience these emotions in a way that will keep me from drowning in them?”  My answer is here.  Blogging, writing, sharing,