I have been stuck inside the world of writers block.

Writing is how I express myself

Even if others don’t “get me”

It helps me

It frees me

It let’s me be me

Writing is like therapy for me

It Always has been

It is so personal that the slightest interference can give me writer’s block.

Writer’s block that can last for a long time.

Let me start with a story about writers block. When I was in middle school and high school I went through bullying. That, in turn led me to do other things I shouldn’t have because I was so traumatized by how mean kids can be. Kids need guidance and don’t always respond to bullying the correct way. It can push teens into a downward spiral if not dealt with appropriately. So, I was going through what I thought were the hardest years of my life. (Now, I find real life gets harder with a husband who is terminally ill with cancer). Back to my point. I wrote so much poetry. I mean notebooks full of it. I had a duffel bag full of notebooks of poetry and they meant so much to me. What I write is personal and is sacred and special to me because it comes from my true inner feelings. My mind on paper. My heart on paper. Well, I ran off to the beach during my troubled years for a few months and when I came home a lot of things in the house had been thrown out. It doesn’t really matter by whom. The fact is that in my closet where my stuff was, someone cleaned it out. They could have put it aside. But, my whole bag full of notebooks and poetry were gone. Thrown away. I felt like a part of me had been lost. I went years without writing after that. I didn’t write anything. My writing is important to me and that is what matters. Nobody has to get it. Just don’t misinterpret my work if you don’t get it. I have not been writing because I became lost in fear others wouldn’t understand my own personal way of expressing myself. I felt like me when I could write and writing doesn’t make me a bad person. It just makes me who I AM. I have had writer’s block for so long and I hope I can come out of it. I need something to help me cope with the hard ordeal in life I am facing. Blogging was working. I want to keep my blog going. I just want respect. This is how I can open up and be myself and express my feelings. I myself get support from bloggers going through the same things. Bloggers that also write and understand me. Writing is therapy….for me. WRITERS BLOCK. I have been dealing with life and I hope this block will go away soon. I have been praying. I want my smile on my face again. I miss smiling and laughing. I want to get out of this sadness and hurt and smile and laugh to make my whole family happy. I want to write and be me. If I can’t be me I can’t be free to be happy and smile. God Bless All!

I want to share this page from a book titled “JESUS CALLING”

PAGE 208 : SONG OF SONGS 2:13; LUKE 10:42


Come away with me for a while.  The world, with its nonstop demands, can be put on hold.  Most people put Me on hold, rationalizing that someday they will find time to focus on Me.  But the longer people push Me into the background of their lives, the harder it is for them to find Me.

You live among people who glorify busyness; they have made time a tyrant that controls their lives.  Even those who know Me as Savior tend to march to the tempo of the World.  They have bought into the illusions that more is always better: more meetings, more programs, more activity.

I have called you to follow Me on a solitary path, making time alone with Me your highest priority and deepest Joy.  It is a pathway largely unappreciated and often despised.  However, you have chosen the better thing, which will never be taken away from you.  Moreover, as you walk close to Me, I can bless others through you.

Another Post to share a comment and my reply. (you know I love sharing interactions with my supporters)

4 comments on “Job interviews”

    • Things aren’t easy. I was in there for two hours. They basically said they were going to hire me. My husband was home working on his truck and needed me back. I was told they would contact me. I also went to an apply in person assisted living facility and talked to a lady and filled out an application. She said she was taking applications but not interviewing yet. I gave her my letters of recommendation, resume, drivers license to copy, and filled out an application. She seemed happy with my information I brought in. I want to get my foot in the door at an assisted living facility so praying she chooses to call me back. I got another call about a job I applied for as an office administrator, but they said the client was picky and even though I was in school while out of the workforce they wanted someone who has been in the workforce consistently. I will keep applying and God will lead me to the right job. It is hard because my poor husband has needed me here so he can work on the truck. Funding helps. It definitely helps with gas to my interviews and his appointments. Even though we only received 320.00 in our gofund it helps with gas to treatments and interviews. Our food stamps got cut. He wants me to get a good job because he is worried a part time job will cause us to lose Medicaid. I’m trying and we are doing our best. I appreciate your concern. Also, his dad helped with some parts for the truck. Yet, my husband did buy another needed part and tools and two new tires almost $400 for two tires. I’m trying and praying. We pray every night for God to give us what he knows we need even if it is not what we want. God knows what we need before we ask. Many people treat him like a genie in a bottle and then get mad when he does not give us what we want. I recently read a book on how to pray we received from the church we are going to. I learned that it is correct to ask for God’s will to be done and give us what he knows we need for his will to be done even if we don’t understand it. We pray each night for God to give us what he knows we need for his will to be done and to strengthen our family to stay together no matter what life brings our way.

The Negative Side of Pride


            I planned to start writing my thoughts with the following sentence.  Pride should be listed as one of the seven deadly sins.  However, to ensure I didn’t make myself look like an idiot, I looked up the seven deadly sins first.  Believable enough, Pride, is in fact, one of the seven deadly sins.  The seven deadly sins are lust, gluttony, greed, sloth, wrath, envy, and pride.  Okay, now to my writing.

Let us first evaluate the meaning of pride.  “Pride is an inwardly directed emotion that carries two meanings.  With a negative connotation, pride refers to an inflated sense of one’s personal status or accomplishments.  With a positive connotation, pride refers to a satisfied sense of attachment towards one’s own or another’s choices and actions, or toward a whole group of people and is a product of praise independent self-reflection, or a fulfilled feeling of belonging.” (  definition of pride). Pride is, in my opinion, one of the major problems in most peoples lives.  It is a human trait that will block true happiness and lead to a lifetime of regret.  Pride blocks the way of true happiness and prevents the feeling of wholeness, pureness, and “meaning” in one’s life.  We all desire to feel whole and complete.  However, that can’t be felt unless we give as much as we receive, care for others as we care for ourselves, and forgive others just as we forgive ourselves.  This is something that we fail to realize we need to recognize we have done in our lives to feel whole.  It is very interesting how humans often have the inability to recognize their own faults.  We sometimes (quite often for many people) justify our actions and avoid facing our weaknesses and downfalls. We tend to keep our mistakes and regrets to ourselves due to pride (showing a “skin” on the outside to present to others). What are we truly feeling?  Think about it.  It is shame.  Shame in ourselves and humility that we will feel if we let others see our faults.  We tend to actually overlook our own faults and avoid admitting, even to ourselves that they exist. But guess what people don’t realize?  GOD HONORS HUMILITY.  Ask yourself this question.  What is the difference between a HERO and a SAINT?  This is very important in life to contemplate, analyze, define, and really absorb the answer to this question. A hero tends to be thought of as a person with characteristics of perfection.  A hero  is  all too often viewed as one who can do no wrong (even when they are obviously wrong).  After all, they are a hero.  They are excused from their wrongs.  (Yes, I’m thinking in a tone of my own sarcasm).  Sad, but this is very true. Now the term saint is a Christian term and you will be very interested in its meaning.  A saint is the equivalent to a hero in Christianity, but with a very different definition than that of a hero in terms of Greek mythology (and as we view a “hero”).  In Christianity the main characteristic of a hero is demonstrated by one who is honorable enough to face humility.  However, Christians refer to this as being a saint rather than a hero.  Christianity emphasizes humility “ illustrate ‘that no virtue can possibly be perfectly acquired or continue without the grace of discretion’ “(Wikipedia).

The interpretation of Proverbs 23:23 is as follows.  Pride ends in humiliation, while humility brings honor.   The pride of a son of man will humiliate him and his humility will increase honor to him

Jas 4:6 “but he gives more grace.  therefore he says: God resists the proud but gives grace to the humble.  No human is perfect.  Only God is perfect and he honors us for having the ability and respect for him to stand tall and admit that we are not greater than another, for we all make mistakes. We are all human.

To get to my main point, my personal opinion and belief is that pride is a major cause of the interference of finding continuous and lasting meaning and happiness in life. I have always put my pride to the side (not always, I am human).  Correction: I have tried to put my pride to the side whilst taking pride in my actions and ability to admit when I have done wrong.  It is very hard to be honest and tell someone that you have done something that is wrong.  Something you knew was wrong and you just can’t explain why you were led in that direction.  My belief is that the truth will set you free.  If I lose someone’s “APPROVAL” of me as a person, so be it.  I can’t live with secrets and lies in my life.  When I do wrong I am sorry.  I learn from my mistake, take the weight of the consequences, and learn not to mess up again.  I AM HUMAN.  SO ARE YOU.  I AM NOT PERFECT.  NEITHER ARE YOU.  IF YOU SAY YOU ARE YOU ARE LYING.  BUT, YOU CAN LIE TO ME ALL YOU WANT TO.  YOU CAN’T LIE TO YOURSELF AND YOU CAN’T LIE TO GOD.  It is all about what you can live with because when you go to your grave you have a lifetime of decisions, actions, good doings, and wrong doings to take to the grave with you.  You must accept that your life was what you made it.  Nobody else made your life a certain way and if they did you chose to let them.  Many people do wrong and then live a lie just because they can’t face humility or put aside their pride to make things right by setting things straight.  It is too hard to bear the shame, so people live a life of regret after regret after regret all because they could not clear the air and move in the direction they really wish to because they can’t say, I did wrong, I made a mistake, lets do what needs to be done to correct or fix it. Let’s get the truth out so we can do what needs to be done to move on and LIVE BY TRUTH.  So many people miss out on meaningful relationships and life experiences because they can’t admit they are wrong and they continue to refuse to apologize or admit their own faults.  For if they admit they have done wrong and some blame is on them, they will lose their pride. What will their family think?  Do they “cover their ass” and lose what means something to them or do they speak the truth and move on with the person they love.  People will regret these decisions when they realize they have lost time with their loved ones and severed relationships with others that could have been very lasting and meaningful relationships whether it be with family, friends, or significant others.  My point is PEOPLE WILL HURT NOT ONLY OTHERS, BUT THEY ACTUALLY HURT THEMSELF, JUST BECAUSE THEY PASS ON ADMITTING THEY ARE WRONG, THEY DESERVE SOME BLAME IN A SITUATION, THEY MADE A MISTAKE OR STRETCHED THE TRUTH OR JUST ALTERED THE FACTS.  Personally, if I can really feel something pulling at me and causing guilt, regret, etc. I would rather clear the air to move on, whether it be with or without the person I need to tell.  Just getting it out is better than living with it and having it interfere with your life.  Now, if it is something you can live with and it isn’t causing continuous problems then I would not say you must reveal every single thing that is in your past. It is when it is causing you to lose a relationship that could be saved by putting your pride aside and admitting your faults.  It is equally important to admit your faults and mistakes if it will stop problems over something that is causing continuous interference in your life and decreasing your quality of life and happiness.  When you leave this Earth, know you made the most of your life.  Don’t leave with regrets.  God honors humility.  We are all human and even though putting your pride aside and admitting you have done wrong or given false information or stating that you could have made a few different choices on how you reacted to things in relationships, it will lead to happiness and fulfillment.

If something is in the past and it is not causing any problems in your life, pulling at your conscious or preventing you from being happy and moving forward, it is okay to let it go and silently ask God for forgiveness and move on without making the same mistakes.  However, if putting your pride aside, will in any way, increase your happiness and quality of life please face the humility.  Get it over with and move on so that the truth will allow you to do what needs to be done to fix the problem, allow forgiveness, and move forward.  Remember these two very important facts.



Proverbs 23:23 Pride ends in humiliation, while humility brings honor.

The pride of a son of man will humiliate him and his humility will increase honor to him

Jas 4:6 “but he gives more grace.  therefore he says: God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble.


I sent this song to my husband when we were apart. He saved the song on his phone and played it for me today. It made me break down into tears. It is so powerful because it perfectly describes what I was feeling when we separated. This was before he found out he had cancer. I posted the lyrics and a link to listen to the song. Please take the time to listen to out. Thanks and much love to all who care and pray for us.

“I Don’t Believe You” by Pink

I don’t mind it
I don’t mind at all
It’s like you’re the swing set and I’m the kid that falls
It’s like the way we fight, the times I’ve cried, we come to blows
And every night the passion’s there so it’s gotta be right, right?

No I don’t believe you
When you say don’t come around here no more
I won’t remind you
You said we wouldn’t be apart
No, I don’t believe you
When you say you don’t need me anymore
So don’t pretend
To not love me at all

I don’t mind it
I still don’t mind at all
It’s like one of those bad dreams when you can’t wake up
Looks like you’ve given up, you’ve had enough
But I want more no I won’t stop
’cause I just know you’ll come around… right?

No I don’t believe you
When you say don’t come around here no more
I won’t remind you
You said we wouldn’t be apart
No, I don’t believe you
When you say you don’t need me anymore
So don’t pretend
To not love me at all

Just don’t stand there and watch me fall
’cause I, ’cause I still don’t mind at all
It’s like the way we fight, the times I cry, we come to blows
And every night the passion’s there so it’s gotta be right, right?

No I don’t believe you
When you say don’t come around here no more
I won’t remind you
You said we wouldn’t be apart
No, I don’t believe you
When you say you don’t need me anymore
So don’t pretend
To not love me at all
I don’t believe you

Vows Stay True


















Part 2
I lost hope and faith assuming the worst
I pray and put my faith in Christ
For health, healing and miracles
By Laura G

They are planning to try this on my husband

Friday, 26 April 2013
ST. LOUIS – Interventional radiologists at Saint Louis University Hospital have a new alternative for liver cancer patients with Yttrium-90 (Y90) radioembolization, infusion of radiation impregnated beads therapy directly targeting cancer cells without an external beam.

In the procedure, radiologists infuse a high dose of tiny microscopic beads called radioisotope Yttrium-90 into the liver tumor through a catheter in the groin. The beads are trapped inside the tumor bed and directly destroy and kill cancer cells.

“We are able to go right into the tumor bed with no collateral damage to healthy tissue,” says Rotimi Johnson, MD, interventional radiologist at Saint Louis University Hospital and a SLUCare physician. “The particles target only the tumor.”

The beads decay inside the tumor over a period of two weeks.

Traditional radiation therapy is most commonly delivered by external beam radiation. Patients lie down as machines target the cancerous tumor. However, as the radiation is delivered from outside, it comes into contact with healthy tissue in the body.

“It’s a significant difference from radiating from the skin surface,” says Dr. Johnson. “This is all internal.”

While the concept to deliver internal radiation through brachytherapy is not new, Y90 radioembolization is relatively new to the medical landscape. The outpatient procedure is for a growing population of patients with advanced stage liver cancer.

“This is for patients with metastatic or primary liver tumors,” says Dr. Johnson. “It’s been well tolerated by our patients and they’ve been doing really well.”


About Saint Louis University Hospital

Saint Louis University Hospital is a 356-licensed bed quaternary/tertiary referral center located in the heart of the city of St. Louis. Approximately 75 percent of patients are drawn from a 150-mile radius. Through affiliation as the teaching hospital for Saint Louis University, the hospital provides patients and their families with an environment of medical innovation. Working in this endeavor are the hospital’s medical staff partners, SLUCare, the physicians of Saint Louis University. The hospital admits more than 17,000 patients annually, performs more than 200 organ transplants a year and is a Level I Trauma Center that treats more than 2,000 major trauma cases a year. For more information, please visit



I am having a hard time accepting my husbands condition is incurable. Sometimes I don’t know how to express this feeling. Going from one extreme to another. He seemed fine and suddenly he had terminal cancer and does not seem fine at all. I am scared. I just want to find a way to fix it. This is an experience I have not found a way to express because it is soooo deep, painful, unexplainable. I’m trying to come to terms with it myself.

New Menu category

To show the validity of my blog and that my funding site I set up is for a legitimate cause I am posting my husbands medical records here. I understand that there are many people in this world who will lie and scheme just to make money. I just want to let everyone know that everything on my blog is true to my life and situation. At the top of the screen on my blog there is a menu and I added a choice: MEDICAL RECORDS.  That can be clicked on to view records. Much love to all and God Bless You!