Update and Message

Unfortunately, my husband passed away In March of 2014. This blog is dedicated to him and tells how wonderful of a man he was.

This is on my blog.  It says better than any other words what he meant to me and who he was as a person.

FOR MY HUSBAND

– I see you as a blessing – You are my guide – My manual to life

 –   My definitions of all meanings lie within you

  – You Define:

– Value – Honesty – Strength – Dedication – Trust – Integrity

– and all things Good

– Your soul is like a glossery defining the right way to be

 – I pray that I have given to you in return:      

                      – A guide to love – Faith – Forgiveness

– And Grace

~ L.G.

 He taught me some of the most valuable life lessons that have made me who I am. Today, I am still grieving. It is an up and down battle. He was in so much pain. I never knew that it was possible for a person to endure such pain. The most amazing thing to me was his Faith. I saw him day after day hunched over on the floor crying in pain praying to God and asking Jesus to please take the pain away. Even though the pain continued, he refused to give up faith. My husband demonstrated the most amazing example of unwaivering Faith I have ever witnessed. I bathed him, I watched him cry, I slept in the hospital bed with him, chased nurses around while he laid on the hospital floor screaming in pain for his meds. This blog tells how wonderful of a man he was. He instilled a set of values in me that I don’t see in many people today. He talked to me about life and how people should be. He showed me that a relationship can be great. He taught me communication between a man and a woman without fighting.

I need to say one thing to everyone who gets any notification when I post on this blog. I heard that people lose faith when they lose a loved one. I have heard people feel like giving up because they have lost their faith. This is what you need to know.

WE ARE HUMAN AND GOD KNOWS THAT WE ARE HUMAN. WHEN WE LOSE A LOVED ONE IT IS NATURAL TO BECOME DULL AND NUMB. WE MIGHT FEEL WE HAVE LOST FAITH BUT WE HAVE NOT. IT IS A NATURAL HUMAN EMOTION. WHAT I DID WHEN I DIDN’T FEEL LIKE TALKING TO GOD, PRAYING, OPENING A BIBLE, ETC. IS THIS:

I TOLD GOD, “I LOVE YOU AND I KNOW THIS IS A HUMAN EMOTION AND YOU KNOW WE ARE HUMAN. I AM NOT LOSING FAITH, BUT BECOMING NUMB AND DISCONNECTED. I TRUST YOU AND AM ASKING YOU TO HOLD ON TO ME GOD. I AM LETTING GO RIGHT NOW AND YOU KNOW IT’S HUMAN EMOTION AND PART OF GRIEVING. GOD PLEASE DO NOT LET GO OF ME AND HOLD ON TO ME. I KNEW HE HEARD ME AND I TRUSTED HE WAS DOING JUST AS I ASKED. THIS IS MY MESSAGE TO ALL THOSE GRIEVING AND FEELING GUILT LIKE YOU HAVE LOST FAITH. IF YOU REALLY LOST FAITH, YOU WOULD NOT FEEL GUILTY ABOUT IT. YOU AREN’T LOSING FAITH. YOU ARE NUMB AND EXPERIENCING HUMAN EMOTION AND PART OF A GRIEVING PROCESS. GOD KNOWS THAT. ASK HIM NOT TO LET GO OF YOU AND WHEN THE TIME IS RIGHT EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE. YOU WILL HAVE A KIND OF FAITH YOU NEVER KNEW POSSIBLE AND AN EVEN CLOSER RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD.

LOVE TO ALL AND MAY GOD BLESS ALL!

 

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Thoughts

I am having many struggles coping with the progression of my husband’s cancer. It feels like my husband and I are walking through a hurricane. I will come out, but I want him to come out of this with me.  It terrifies me, the thought of losing him.  I love him. It is like a part of me is dying too.  As the bible says,  when we are married a man and woman become one flesh. I can’t give up hope and I still believe in God’s healing hand.  I believe in the trinity of Jesus Christ, God,  and the Holy Spirit.  I pray for a miracle and ask for prayer from all of the followers of my blog.  May God bless you all.

I think faith is incredible important because you will become overwhelmed with what’s happening and you will have waves of grief, but when you turn to your faith, I believe God will give you waves of grace to get through it.

Joel Osteen

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/j/joelosteen579119.html#Qd7UrMf0IrThLQTv.99

There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love.

Washington Irving

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/w/washington149294.html#XDofdCo3QhIg3luC.99

My Prayer Today

Sometimes I feel down

So close to the ground

I could be falling down a hole

Oh God, I call on you

For these moments of sadness

Oh God, I call on you to carry me through

Pull me back up, like you never fail to do

Give me Strength that only you can

Strength by your Grace

To carry me through

Pulling me up now, I feel you my Lord

You never forsake me

God, you never let me go

Thank you for carrying me when I am my weakest

Thank you for keeping me from giving up

That is not an option

Oh God, I do love him

I pray for a miracle.

I pray for him to be healed by your hand.

I love him.   I love him.

But, I do know this, Lord

He belongs to you.  He is yours God.

He is yours, He’s not mine.

I want him, oh, I want him

But God, he has been yours from his creation

Created by you.

Since his birth he has belonged to the Good Lord Above

Just like me and all others, your children we are.

And God, your Will shall be done.

Each life, Each soul, belongs to the Almighty God

In the Heavens Above.

God I want him to stay here, if you could just change your mind….

But, that is not my place, I can only tell you we would be blessed

If you would heal him

Blessed, we would be if your will was to save him

Leave him on this earth

I pray for a Miracle, God, that only you can give

Give us what we need and I honor your will to be done.

So, By the Grace of god Strengthen me for whatever comes.

I want my sweet husband here oh Lord.

But, if you need him…….

I still hope and pray for a Miracle Father.

Strengthen my family, like only you can.

by the Grace of God, Strengthen us oh Lord,

With the Grace that you give.

Amen.

MY THOUGHTS ON THE STATUS OF MY BLOG

I am not sure why I have become so scared of judgment based on my own writing.  I can’t keep that up and I won’t.  Writing helps me get through hard times in life.  I know uplifting things that are written are so much better than negative things.  But, my life is full of emotion right now.  Sometimes I feel things that are positive, hopeful, and uplifting and other times I just feel like falling apart.  But, “I AM HUMAN”…  Yes, I am.  I am allowed to feel hopeful and I am also aloud to feel scared and hurt.  So, I’m not trying to please anyone.  This isn’t a contest, competition, or any such.  This is my place to write when I feel down, depressed, fearful, happy, hopeful, cheerful, or whatever.  I have the right to deal with my husband’s cancer with good days and bad days just as I am sure anyone dealing with this does.  Coping with this serious of an illness is NOT EASY and I am still hopeful and still praying for a miracle.  But, honestly, some days it is really hard to face and that is OKAY.  IT IS OKAY.  “I AM HUMAN”.  If this helps me, I don’t care what others think of my feelings because I AM ALOUD TO GET THROUGH THIS MY WAY, which isn’t so unordinary.  A roller coaster of emotions is to be expected when facing cancer with your husband and young children.  My husband has cancer and I am coping and dealing with it healthily. Some days are good and some days are bad.  But it is a journey that can only be taken ONE DAY AT A TIME. AND I AM STILL PRAYING FOR A MIRACLE EVERY SECOND OF THIS DIFFICULT JOURNEY.  

BEYOND WRITER’S BLOCK

BEYOND WRITER’S BLOCK

I have been stuck inside the world of writers block.

Writing is how I express myself

Even if others don’t “get me”

It helps me

It frees me

It let’s me be me

Writing is like therapy for me

It Always has been

It is so personal that the slightest interference can give me writer’s block.

Writer’s block that can last for a long time.

Let me start with a story about writers block. When I was in middle school and high school I went through bullying. That, in turn led me to do other things I shouldn’t have because I was so traumatized by how mean kids can be. Kids need guidance and don’t always respond to bullying the correct way. It can push teens into a downward spiral if not dealt with appropriately. So, I was going through what I thought were the hardest years of my life. (Now, I find real life gets harder with a husband who is terminally ill with cancer). Back to my point. I wrote so much poetry. I mean notebooks full of it. I had a duffel bag full of notebooks of poetry and they meant so much to me. What I write is personal and is sacred and special to me because it comes from my true inner feelings. My mind on paper. My heart on paper. Well, I ran off to the beach during my troubled years for a few months and when I came home a lot of things in the house had been thrown out. It doesn’t really matter by whom. The fact is that in my closet where my stuff was, someone cleaned it out. They could have put it aside. But, my whole bag full of notebooks and poetry were gone. Thrown away. I felt like a part of me had been lost. I went years without writing after that. I didn’t write anything. My writing is important to me and that is what matters. Nobody has to get it. Just don’t misinterpret my work if you don’t get it. I have not been writing because I became lost in fear others wouldn’t understand my own personal way of expressing myself. I felt like me when I could write and writing doesn’t make me a bad person. It just makes me who I AM. I have had writer’s block for so long and I hope I can come out of it. I need something to help me cope with the hard ordeal in life I am facing. Blogging was working. I want to keep my blog going. I just want respect. This is how I can open up and be myself and express my feelings. I myself get support from bloggers going through the same things. Bloggers that also write and understand me. Writing is therapy….for me. WRITERS BLOCK. I have been dealing with life and I hope this block will go away soon. I have been praying. I want my smile on my face again. I miss smiling and laughing. I want to get out of this sadness and hurt and smile and laugh to make my whole family happy. I want to write and be me. If I can’t be me I can’t be free to be happy and smile. God Bless All!

I want to share this page from a book titled “JESUS CALLING”

PAGE 208 : SONG OF SONGS 2:13; LUKE 10:42

FROM THE BOOK TITLED: JESUS CALLING BY SARAH YOUNG

Come away with me for a while.  The world, with its nonstop demands, can be put on hold.  Most people put Me on hold, rationalizing that someday they will find time to focus on Me.  But the longer people push Me into the background of their lives, the harder it is for them to find Me.

You live among people who glorify busyness; they have made time a tyrant that controls their lives.  Even those who know Me as Savior tend to march to the tempo of the World.  They have bought into the illusions that more is always better: more meetings, more programs, more activity.

I have called you to follow Me on a solitary path, making time alone with Me your highest priority and deepest Joy.  It is a pathway largely unappreciated and often despised.  However, you have chosen the better thing, which will never be taken away from you.  Moreover, as you walk close to Me, I can bless others through you.