Update and Message

Unfortunately, my husband passed away In March of 2014. This blog is dedicated to him and tells how wonderful of a man he was.

This is on my blog.  It says better than any other words what he meant to me and who he was as a person.

FOR MY HUSBAND

– I see you as a blessing – You are my guide – My manual to life

 –   My definitions of all meanings lie within you

  – You Define:

– Value – Honesty – Strength – Dedication – Trust – Integrity

– and all things Good

– Your soul is like a glossery defining the right way to be

 – I pray that I have given to you in return:      

                      – A guide to love – Faith – Forgiveness

– And Grace

~ L.G.

 He taught me some of the most valuable life lessons that have made me who I am. Today, I am still grieving. It is an up and down battle. He was in so much pain. I never knew that it was possible for a person to endure such pain. The most amazing thing to me was his Faith. I saw him day after day hunched over on the floor crying in pain praying to God and asking Jesus to please take the pain away. Even though the pain continued, he refused to give up faith. My husband demonstrated the most amazing example of unwaivering Faith I have ever witnessed. I bathed him, I watched him cry, I slept in the hospital bed with him, chased nurses around while he laid on the hospital floor screaming in pain for his meds. This blog tells how wonderful of a man he was. He instilled a set of values in me that I don’t see in many people today. He talked to me about life and how people should be. He showed me that a relationship can be great. He taught me communication between a man and a woman without fighting.

I need to say one thing to everyone who gets any notification when I post on this blog. I heard that people lose faith when they lose a loved one. I have heard people feel like giving up because they have lost their faith. This is what you need to know.

WE ARE HUMAN AND GOD KNOWS THAT WE ARE HUMAN. WHEN WE LOSE A LOVED ONE IT IS NATURAL TO BECOME DULL AND NUMB. WE MIGHT FEEL WE HAVE LOST FAITH BUT WE HAVE NOT. IT IS A NATURAL HUMAN EMOTION. WHAT I DID WHEN I DIDN’T FEEL LIKE TALKING TO GOD, PRAYING, OPENING A BIBLE, ETC. IS THIS:

I TOLD GOD, “I LOVE YOU AND I KNOW THIS IS A HUMAN EMOTION AND YOU KNOW WE ARE HUMAN. I AM NOT LOSING FAITH, BUT BECOMING NUMB AND DISCONNECTED. I TRUST YOU AND AM ASKING YOU TO HOLD ON TO ME GOD. I AM LETTING GO RIGHT NOW AND YOU KNOW IT’S HUMAN EMOTION AND PART OF GRIEVING. GOD PLEASE DO NOT LET GO OF ME AND HOLD ON TO ME. I KNEW HE HEARD ME AND I TRUSTED HE WAS DOING JUST AS I ASKED. THIS IS MY MESSAGE TO ALL THOSE GRIEVING AND FEELING GUILT LIKE YOU HAVE LOST FAITH. IF YOU REALLY LOST FAITH, YOU WOULD NOT FEEL GUILTY ABOUT IT. YOU AREN’T LOSING FAITH. YOU ARE NUMB AND EXPERIENCING HUMAN EMOTION AND PART OF A GRIEVING PROCESS. GOD KNOWS THAT. ASK HIM NOT TO LET GO OF YOU AND WHEN THE TIME IS RIGHT EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE. YOU WILL HAVE A KIND OF FAITH YOU NEVER KNEW POSSIBLE AND AN EVEN CLOSER RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD.

LOVE TO ALL AND MAY GOD BLESS ALL!

 

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Thoughts

I am having many struggles coping with the progression of my husband’s cancer. It feels like my husband and I are walking through a hurricane. I will come out, but I want him to come out of this with me.  It terrifies me, the thought of losing him.  I love him. It is like a part of me is dying too.  As the bible says,  when we are married a man and woman become one flesh. I can’t give up hope and I still believe in God’s healing hand.  I believe in the trinity of Jesus Christ, God,  and the Holy Spirit.  I pray for a miracle and ask for prayer from all of the followers of my blog.  May God bless you all.

My Prayer Today

Sometimes I feel down

So close to the ground

I could be falling down a hole

Oh God, I call on you

For these moments of sadness

Oh God, I call on you to carry me through

Pull me back up, like you never fail to do

Give me Strength that only you can

Strength by your Grace

To carry me through

Pulling me up now, I feel you my Lord

You never forsake me

God, you never let me go

Thank you for carrying me when I am my weakest

Thank you for keeping me from giving up

That is not an option

Oh God, I do love him

I pray for a miracle.

I pray for him to be healed by your hand.

I love him.   I love him.

But, I do know this, Lord

He belongs to you.  He is yours God.

He is yours, He’s not mine.

I want him, oh, I want him

But God, he has been yours from his creation

Created by you.

Since his birth he has belonged to the Good Lord Above

Just like me and all others, your children we are.

And God, your Will shall be done.

Each life, Each soul, belongs to the Almighty God

In the Heavens Above.

God I want him to stay here, if you could just change your mind….

But, that is not my place, I can only tell you we would be blessed

If you would heal him

Blessed, we would be if your will was to save him

Leave him on this earth

I pray for a Miracle, God, that only you can give

Give us what we need and I honor your will to be done.

So, By the Grace of god Strengthen me for whatever comes.

I want my sweet husband here oh Lord.

But, if you need him…….

I still hope and pray for a Miracle Father.

Strengthen my family, like only you can.

by the Grace of God, Strengthen us oh Lord,

With the Grace that you give.

Amen.

I want to share this page from a book titled “JESUS CALLING”

PAGE 208 : SONG OF SONGS 2:13; LUKE 10:42

FROM THE BOOK TITLED: JESUS CALLING BY SARAH YOUNG

Come away with me for a while.  The world, with its nonstop demands, can be put on hold.  Most people put Me on hold, rationalizing that someday they will find time to focus on Me.  But the longer people push Me into the background of their lives, the harder it is for them to find Me.

You live among people who glorify busyness; they have made time a tyrant that controls their lives.  Even those who know Me as Savior tend to march to the tempo of the World.  They have bought into the illusions that more is always better: more meetings, more programs, more activity.

I have called you to follow Me on a solitary path, making time alone with Me your highest priority and deepest Joy.  It is a pathway largely unappreciated and often despised.  However, you have chosen the better thing, which will never be taken away from you.  Moreover, as you walk close to Me, I can bless others through you.

Another Post to share a comment and my reply. (you know I love sharing interactions with my supporters)

4 comments on “Job interviews”

    • Things aren’t easy. I was in there for two hours. They basically said they were going to hire me. My husband was home working on his truck and needed me back. I was told they would contact me. I also went to an apply in person assisted living facility and talked to a lady and filled out an application. She said she was taking applications but not interviewing yet. I gave her my letters of recommendation, resume, drivers license to copy, and filled out an application. She seemed happy with my information I brought in. I want to get my foot in the door at an assisted living facility so praying she chooses to call me back. I got another call about a job I applied for as an office administrator, but they said the client was picky and even though I was in school while out of the workforce they wanted someone who has been in the workforce consistently. I will keep applying and God will lead me to the right job. It is hard because my poor husband has needed me here so he can work on the truck. Funding helps. It definitely helps with gas to my interviews and his appointments. Even though we only received 320.00 in our gofund it helps with gas to treatments and interviews. Our food stamps got cut. He wants me to get a good job because he is worried a part time job will cause us to lose Medicaid. I’m trying and we are doing our best. I appreciate your concern. Also, his dad helped with some parts for the truck. Yet, my husband did buy another needed part and tools and two new tires almost $400 for two tires. I’m trying and praying. We pray every night for God to give us what he knows we need even if it is not what we want. God knows what we need before we ask. Many people treat him like a genie in a bottle and then get mad when he does not give us what we want. I recently read a book on how to pray we received from the church we are going to. I learned that it is correct to ask for God’s will to be done and give us what he knows we need for his will to be done even if we don’t understand it. We pray each night for God to give us what he knows we need for his will to be done and to strengthen our family to stay together no matter what life brings our way.

The Negative Side of Pride

THE NEGATIVE SIDE OF PRIDE

            I planned to start writing my thoughts with the following sentence.  Pride should be listed as one of the seven deadly sins.  However, to ensure I didn’t make myself look like an idiot, I looked up the seven deadly sins first.  Believable enough, Pride, is in fact, one of the seven deadly sins.  The seven deadly sins are lust, gluttony, greed, sloth, wrath, envy, and pride.  Okay, now to my writing.

Let us first evaluate the meaning of pride.  “Pride is an inwardly directed emotion that carries two meanings.  With a negative connotation, pride refers to an inflated sense of one’s personal status or accomplishments.  With a positive connotation, pride refers to a satisfied sense of attachment towards one’s own or another’s choices and actions, or toward a whole group of people and is a product of praise independent self-reflection, or a fulfilled feeling of belonging.” (wikipedia.org.  definition of pride). Pride is, in my opinion, one of the major problems in most peoples lives.  It is a human trait that will block true happiness and lead to a lifetime of regret.  Pride blocks the way of true happiness and prevents the feeling of wholeness, pureness, and “meaning” in one’s life.  We all desire to feel whole and complete.  However, that can’t be felt unless we give as much as we receive, care for others as we care for ourselves, and forgive others just as we forgive ourselves.  This is something that we fail to realize we need to recognize we have done in our lives to feel whole.  It is very interesting how humans often have the inability to recognize their own faults.  We sometimes (quite often for many people) justify our actions and avoid facing our weaknesses and downfalls. We tend to keep our mistakes and regrets to ourselves due to pride (showing a “skin” on the outside to present to others). What are we truly feeling?  Think about it.  It is shame.  Shame in ourselves and humility that we will feel if we let others see our faults.  We tend to actually overlook our own faults and avoid admitting, even to ourselves that they exist. But guess what people don’t realize?  GOD HONORS HUMILITY.  Ask yourself this question.  What is the difference between a HERO and a SAINT?  This is very important in life to contemplate, analyze, define, and really absorb the answer to this question. A hero tends to be thought of as a person with characteristics of perfection.  A hero  is  all too often viewed as one who can do no wrong (even when they are obviously wrong).  After all, they are a hero.  They are excused from their wrongs.  (Yes, I’m thinking in a tone of my own sarcasm).  Sad, but this is very true. Now the term saint is a Christian term and you will be very interested in its meaning.  A saint is the equivalent to a hero in Christianity, but with a very different definition than that of a hero in terms of Greek mythology (and as we view a “hero”).  In Christianity the main characteristic of a hero is demonstrated by one who is honorable enough to face humility.  However, Christians refer to this as being a saint rather than a hero.  Christianity emphasizes humility “..to illustrate ‘that no virtue can possibly be perfectly acquired or continue without the grace of discretion’ “(Wikipedia).

The interpretation of Proverbs 23:23 is as follows.  Pride ends in humiliation, while humility brings honor.   The pride of a son of man will humiliate him and his humility will increase honor to him

Jas 4:6 “but he gives more grace.  therefore he says: God resists the proud but gives grace to the humble.  No human is perfect.  Only God is perfect and he honors us for having the ability and respect for him to stand tall and admit that we are not greater than another, for we all make mistakes. We are all human.

To get to my main point, my personal opinion and belief is that pride is a major cause of the interference of finding continuous and lasting meaning and happiness in life. I have always put my pride to the side (not always, I am human).  Correction: I have tried to put my pride to the side whilst taking pride in my actions and ability to admit when I have done wrong.  It is very hard to be honest and tell someone that you have done something that is wrong.  Something you knew was wrong and you just can’t explain why you were led in that direction.  My belief is that the truth will set you free.  If I lose someone’s “APPROVAL” of me as a person, so be it.  I can’t live with secrets and lies in my life.  When I do wrong I am sorry.  I learn from my mistake, take the weight of the consequences, and learn not to mess up again.  I AM HUMAN.  SO ARE YOU.  I AM NOT PERFECT.  NEITHER ARE YOU.  IF YOU SAY YOU ARE YOU ARE LYING.  BUT, YOU CAN LIE TO ME ALL YOU WANT TO.  YOU CAN’T LIE TO YOURSELF AND YOU CAN’T LIE TO GOD.  It is all about what you can live with because when you go to your grave you have a lifetime of decisions, actions, good doings, and wrong doings to take to the grave with you.  You must accept that your life was what you made it.  Nobody else made your life a certain way and if they did you chose to let them.  Many people do wrong and then live a lie just because they can’t face humility or put aside their pride to make things right by setting things straight.  It is too hard to bear the shame, so people live a life of regret after regret after regret all because they could not clear the air and move in the direction they really wish to because they can’t say, I did wrong, I made a mistake, lets do what needs to be done to correct or fix it. Let’s get the truth out so we can do what needs to be done to move on and LIVE BY TRUTH.  So many people miss out on meaningful relationships and life experiences because they can’t admit they are wrong and they continue to refuse to apologize or admit their own faults.  For if they admit they have done wrong and some blame is on them, they will lose their pride. What will their family think?  Do they “cover their ass” and lose what means something to them or do they speak the truth and move on with the person they love.  People will regret these decisions when they realize they have lost time with their loved ones and severed relationships with others that could have been very lasting and meaningful relationships whether it be with family, friends, or significant others.  My point is PEOPLE WILL HURT NOT ONLY OTHERS, BUT THEY ACTUALLY HURT THEMSELF, JUST BECAUSE THEY PASS ON ADMITTING THEY ARE WRONG, THEY DESERVE SOME BLAME IN A SITUATION, THEY MADE A MISTAKE OR STRETCHED THE TRUTH OR JUST ALTERED THE FACTS.  Personally, if I can really feel something pulling at me and causing guilt, regret, etc. I would rather clear the air to move on, whether it be with or without the person I need to tell.  Just getting it out is better than living with it and having it interfere with your life.  Now, if it is something you can live with and it isn’t causing continuous problems then I would not say you must reveal every single thing that is in your past. It is when it is causing you to lose a relationship that could be saved by putting your pride aside and admitting your faults.  It is equally important to admit your faults and mistakes if it will stop problems over something that is causing continuous interference in your life and decreasing your quality of life and happiness.  When you leave this Earth, know you made the most of your life.  Don’t leave with regrets.  God honors humility.  We are all human and even though putting your pride aside and admitting you have done wrong or given false information or stating that you could have made a few different choices on how you reacted to things in relationships, it will lead to happiness and fulfillment.

If something is in the past and it is not causing any problems in your life, pulling at your conscious or preventing you from being happy and moving forward, it is okay to let it go and silently ask God for forgiveness and move on without making the same mistakes.  However, if putting your pride aside, will in any way, increase your happiness and quality of life please face the humility.  Get it over with and move on so that the truth will allow you to do what needs to be done to fix the problem, allow forgiveness, and move forward.  Remember these two very important facts.

1. THE NEGATIVE DEFINITION OF PRIDE PLACES PRIDE IN THE LIST OF THE SEVEN DEADLY SINS.

2. GOD HONORS HUMILITY

Proverbs 23:23 Pride ends in humiliation, while humility brings honor.

The pride of a son of man will humiliate him and his humility will increase honor to him

Jas 4:6 “but he gives more grace.  therefore he says: God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble.

Vows Stay True

-I WANT TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH YOU

-THE DAY WE WED, A DAY SO SWEET

-I TOLD YOU THEN, I TELL YOU NOW

-BUT NOW AND THEN HAVE TURNED FROM DAY TO NIGHT

-I WANT TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH YOU

-ONCE UPON A TIME I KNEW I REALLY WOULD

-WELL, NOW MY DEAR

-SAD AS IT SEEMS

-THE FAIRYTALE OF A LIFETIME OF LOVE HAS FADED

-YOU MY DEAR, I ASSURE YOU THIS

-YOU WILL SPEND THE REST OF YOUR SWEET LIFE WITH ME

-IF ONLY THE REST OF YOUR LIFE WAS FARTHER THAN EITHER OF US COULD SEE

-THEN, I TOO WOULD BE BLESSED WITH THE PLEASURE

-TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH YOU

-EITHER WAY OUR VOWS STAY TRUE

-THROUGH SICKNESS AND HEALTH

-TILL DEATH DO US PART

Part 2
I lost hope and faith assuming the worst
I pray and put my faith in Christ
For health, healing and miracles
By Laura G

Image

KISSING A MEMORY

wpid-IMG_20130703_221023.jpg

What I feel from looking at this piece of art:

This piece of art makes me feel great fear in my heart that one day I will have nothing/no one to kiss but a memory. An image of his face in my mind, but no face to see with my eyes and no flesh to kiss with my lips.

image Source: pinterest
Saatchionline.com

Summary of My Current Situation

My story is long and I have been through a lot.  Some of my long time followers know the details.  However, my husband did ask that I delete some of those posts that discussed details of this entire journey right from the beginning.  I was separated from my family and I won’t discuss the details that some have already read about before I removed those posts.  The fact is that I am now back with my family, but in order for that to have happened we had to jump through hoops and are in a financial bind.

The basic problem now is that my husband is only 44 years old and was diagnosed with stage four colon cancer that metastasized to his liver.  The outlook isn’t great and he has been politely informed that he is not a candidate for surgical treatment.  We have two kids together and I have a son who is eleven from a previous relationship.  My husband and I have two daughters ages 1 and 6.  He cries because he won’t see them grow up, graduate, get married, or know his grandkids.  He cries from severe pain.  He has a mass in his colon that is very large and causes severe pain after eating.  His liver is enlarged and causes severe pain.  He gets chemotherapy every other week and brings a bag home hooked to his port for three days.  I have to help him get up, take his shoes on and off, even help him shower because moving around too much causes him so much pain.  When he gets his treatments he can only eat and drink things at room temperature because of one of the medications they use as part of the treatment.

He has stage four colon cancer metastasis to the liver and he hasn’t even reached the age of 50, which is the age they recommend beginning to get a colonoscopy regularly.  I am thirty and have been a stay at home mom for most of our marriage.  I do have a good education (Bachelor degree in health care administration and two associate degrees: one in business management and one in business marketing).  I went through postpartum depression and that is part of the reason we were separated and during that time he found out he had cancer.  We were not permanently separated, just until I got on the right medications.  So, now I am having a hard time getting a job due to my lack of employment history.  My education is on my side and I am hoping to find something soon.

I am not convinced that surgical treatment is out of the question.  Nor am I convinced that he is receiving the best treatment available.  This is likely due to his insurance, which is Medicaid.  The allowable amount for procedures, treatments, surgeries, etc. is very low for Medicaid compared to the regular fee and the allowable amount of other insurance companies.  I have made an appointment with a cancer center that specializes in colon, colorectal, and metastatic cancer to the liver for a surgical evaluation and a second opinion on the proper treatment needed.  However, this evaluation appointment will have to be paid for out of pocket until we change our Medicaid plan.  In Florida Medicaid requires you to choose a plan and use a specific network of providers.  Medicaid has different plans to choose from and I think it is ridiculous.  Medicaid is Medicaid and that should be that.

We are struggling and I have a lot of things I want to post on my blog.  I need advice about how to deal with certain aspects of this such as what to tell the children or not to tell them, etc.  I like to post my feelings through art as you all have seen.  I am trying to figure out what to expect.  I am trying to come to terms with the reality that he could die soon, but I try to believe the survival rates are wrong.  I have read instances where stage four colon cancer with metastasis to the liver has been cured.  I am trying to find the right surgeon and cancer treatment team specializing in just what he has.  I am trying to fix our insurance to see the cancer specialists I have made an appointment with that specialize in this type of cancer.  I want to fix it.  It is difficult when I am trying to fix something and in the back of my mind I have to realize it might not be something that can be fixed.  But, I am going to try and I won’t stop trying.  Thanks for the support of my followers and feel free to comment.  I enjoy comments from those that read my posts.  It lets me know I am not dealing with this alone as I am at least in the thoughts of others.  Much love to all and God Bless You!

New Treatment Option

From my understanding, based on what was told to my husband yesterday by a new doctor he went to see is that a new “trial” will be started that he is eligible for.  Because the colon cancer mestestasized to his liver this doctor wants to focus on the liver first.  They are going to be inserting a catheter that sends the medication regimen straight into his liver only.  It is almost guaranteed to reduce the cancer lesions and improve his liver issues with the cancer.  Then they will focus on the colon.  I am praying this is the answer I have been praying for.  I have been praying to God to just help him, fix it, do something else, something different, something more effective.  And I give credit and thanks to all who pray for me that follow my blog as well.  Keep praying.  Blind Faith is the life I am living and it is most certainly a life worth living.  Following the words of God.  The words of the Bible.  God bless you all and much love to all who care enough to follow my life documentary and pray for my family.