My Prayer Today

Sometimes I feel down

So close to the ground

I could be falling down a hole

Oh God, I call on you

For these moments of sadness

Oh God, I call on you to carry me through

Pull me back up, like you never fail to do

Give me Strength that only you can

Strength by your Grace

To carry me through

Pulling me up now, I feel you my Lord

You never forsake me

God, you never let me go

Thank you for carrying me when I am my weakest

Thank you for keeping me from giving up

That is not an option

Oh God, I do love him

I pray for a miracle.

I pray for him to be healed by your hand.

I love him.   I love him.

But, I do know this, Lord

He belongs to you.  He is yours God.

He is yours, He’s not mine.

I want him, oh, I want him

But God, he has been yours from his creation

Created by you.

Since his birth he has belonged to the Good Lord Above

Just like me and all others, your children we are.

And God, your Will shall be done.

Each life, Each soul, belongs to the Almighty God

In the Heavens Above.

God I want him to stay here, if you could just change your mind….

But, that is not my place, I can only tell you we would be blessed

If you would heal him

Blessed, we would be if your will was to save him

Leave him on this earth

I pray for a Miracle, God, that only you can give

Give us what we need and I honor your will to be done.

So, By the Grace of god Strengthen me for whatever comes.

I want my sweet husband here oh Lord.

But, if you need him…….

I still hope and pray for a Miracle Father.

Strengthen my family, like only you can.

by the Grace of God, Strengthen us oh Lord,

With the Grace that you give.

Amen.

Summary of My Current Situation

My story is long and I have been through a lot.  Some of my long time followers know the details.  However, my husband did ask that I delete some of those posts that discussed details of this entire journey right from the beginning.  I was separated from my family and I won’t discuss the details that some have already read about before I removed those posts.  The fact is that I am now back with my family, but in order for that to have happened we had to jump through hoops and are in a financial bind.

The basic problem now is that my husband is only 44 years old and was diagnosed with stage four colon cancer that metastasized to his liver.  The outlook isn’t great and he has been politely informed that he is not a candidate for surgical treatment.  We have two kids together and I have a son who is eleven from a previous relationship.  My husband and I have two daughters ages 1 and 6.  He cries because he won’t see them grow up, graduate, get married, or know his grandkids.  He cries from severe pain.  He has a mass in his colon that is very large and causes severe pain after eating.  His liver is enlarged and causes severe pain.  He gets chemotherapy every other week and brings a bag home hooked to his port for three days.  I have to help him get up, take his shoes on and off, even help him shower because moving around too much causes him so much pain.  When he gets his treatments he can only eat and drink things at room temperature because of one of the medications they use as part of the treatment.

He has stage four colon cancer metastasis to the liver and he hasn’t even reached the age of 50, which is the age they recommend beginning to get a colonoscopy regularly.  I am thirty and have been a stay at home mom for most of our marriage.  I do have a good education (Bachelor degree in health care administration and two associate degrees: one in business management and one in business marketing).  I went through postpartum depression and that is part of the reason we were separated and during that time he found out he had cancer.  We were not permanently separated, just until I got on the right medications.  So, now I am having a hard time getting a job due to my lack of employment history.  My education is on my side and I am hoping to find something soon.

I am not convinced that surgical treatment is out of the question.  Nor am I convinced that he is receiving the best treatment available.  This is likely due to his insurance, which is Medicaid.  The allowable amount for procedures, treatments, surgeries, etc. is very low for Medicaid compared to the regular fee and the allowable amount of other insurance companies.  I have made an appointment with a cancer center that specializes in colon, colorectal, and metastatic cancer to the liver for a surgical evaluation and a second opinion on the proper treatment needed.  However, this evaluation appointment will have to be paid for out of pocket until we change our Medicaid plan.  In Florida Medicaid requires you to choose a plan and use a specific network of providers.  Medicaid has different plans to choose from and I think it is ridiculous.  Medicaid is Medicaid and that should be that.

We are struggling and I have a lot of things I want to post on my blog.  I need advice about how to deal with certain aspects of this such as what to tell the children or not to tell them, etc.  I like to post my feelings through art as you all have seen.  I am trying to figure out what to expect.  I am trying to come to terms with the reality that he could die soon, but I try to believe the survival rates are wrong.  I have read instances where stage four colon cancer with metastasis to the liver has been cured.  I am trying to find the right surgeon and cancer treatment team specializing in just what he has.  I am trying to fix our insurance to see the cancer specialists I have made an appointment with that specialize in this type of cancer.  I want to fix it.  It is difficult when I am trying to fix something and in the back of my mind I have to realize it might not be something that can be fixed.  But, I am going to try and I won’t stop trying.  Thanks for the support of my followers and feel free to comment.  I enjoy comments from those that read my posts.  It lets me know I am not dealing with this alone as I am at least in the thoughts of others.  Much love to all and God Bless You!