I have received three donations so far. Two were anonymous. The other one is a follower of my blog and also my twitter account that I just set up. I would like to publicly thank him on my blog for donating. My family is very grateful for all donations and prayers as well. It truly means a lot to know that others are kind enough to reach out and help when they see another who is in need. I am pleased to give my thanks to Dennis Gray for his generous donation. You can follow him at the link below.
I have not been active lately because I finally reunited with my family. I moved back into our home with my husband and kids. It has not been easy because I have not found a job yet. Our
mortgage is $7,000 past due and we are applying for all the assistance and programs available, but fear we will not find a way to keep our home. I am constantly going to job interviews and my husband is constantly going to appointments for his cancer treatment. It is about 50 miles to the city where all the work is and the cancer center. Gas is a huge expense when we have no income. His condition is not improving. He went to get his chemo treatment last week and was sent to the ER. They did not see any blockage, but his doctor did say it looks like he has more tumors. I am trying to get him an appointment with another cancer center that has a team of specialist and surgeons focusing only on colon cancer/metastatic colon cancer to the liver. We have to drive two hours to that appointment and pay $350 for a surgical evaluation. They take our insurance, but we have to switch plans. They don’t take the plan we have as our insurance offers various plans. I am working on getting that changed, but it takes atleast 60 days from what I have been told. I don’t feel like they have been giving him the proper treatment at the current cancer institute he is going to. Basically, our family is in need of financial assistance and I would like to try to raise money to help us with our situation. I just don’t feel comfortable asking people for money. I know a lot of people with cancer and other diseases do it. I was thinking about possibly setting up a way to donate or a link to donate on this blog. I just don’t want to do it if it is going to be viewed as inappropriate. Can everyone please take the time to respond to this post and tell me your opinion on whether or not I should do this. I really want to know what my followers think about it because I respect all of those who have followed my blog and took the time to read my posts and pray for my family. Thank you. Much love to all.
From my understanding, based on what was told to my husband yesterday by a new doctor he went to see is that a new “trial” will be started that he is eligible for. Because the colon cancer mestestasized to his liver this doctor wants to focus on the liver first. They are going to be inserting a catheter that sends the medication regimen straight into his liver only. It is almost guaranteed to reduce the cancer lesions and improve his liver issues with the cancer. Then they will focus on the colon. I am praying this is the answer I have been praying for. I have been praying to God to just help him, fix it, do something else, something different, something more effective. And I give credit and thanks to all who pray for me that follow my blog as well. Keep praying. Blind Faith is the life I am living and it is most certainly a life worth living. Following the words of God. The words of the Bible. God bless you all and much love to all who care enough to follow my life documentary and pray for my family.
I don’t really know who reads this or even knows what the meaning behind what I post is. However, the blog is a documentary of my life so when I want to document important things, I do. Some of my followers know the whole story and others only know what they read. I have taken some posts off of here due to the requests of others that were involved in what I wrote and are not as willing to put it all out there as I am. So, respectfully, I did and all of the story is not here anymore. But the ones who followed me back then do know the whole story. Either way, I will continue to post as I feel the need. Sometimes I just feel like going weeks without messing with this at all and other times I feel things are important to document since this blog is not about attention, getting followers, or anything other than documenting what I am going through at this point in my life. I appreciate those who care enough to pray and follow me. It means a lot. Sio, I sent some very meaningful texts to my husband and I would like to document them on my blog. So, here it goes.
TEXTS TO MY HUSBAND
Where there is a will there is a way. We CAN do this
Remember, no matter what satan throws our way Gods grace will prevail
You are my heart. Remember, I love YOU for who you are and not who anyone else wants you to be. I love the real you. I know your flaws and all. I love you for you. The true person you are.
Even when you make mistakes or I don’t agree with some of your decisions I still love you and will always be here.
We are human. Temptation throws us off of the right path. But, we don’t dwell on it and satan wants us to dwell on our mistakes so we will continue to make bad choices.
God wants us to trust his word that is “the full armor of God” that is in the Bible
Grace is a gift of love of forgiveness for our sins that we do not deserve
Grace is given as a gift to us by God
We earn that gift of Gods grace through our faith in Jesus Christ
Faith and Grace are two words I have been trying to understand the meaning of my entire life.
I found the verse in the bible that set me free and gave me peace.
It made everything in my life I have ever questioned make sense.
I will send it to you again.
I feel it is the most important and strongest words in the Bible. The word of God. The truth. The way. The answer to human questions about all of Gods grace, faith, forgiveness, etc.
You know when I told you Faith and Grace were the two most powerful and meaningful words in Christianity
I did not understand why.
I just knew. It was something I felt.
So, When I began seeking and reading the Bible I found the answer that gave me peace and made me cry. gave me that “feeling”
Write this on the inside of your Bible please
Ephesians 2: 8 – 9
For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourself, it is the gift of God; not as a result of works, that no one should boast.
Ephesians is one chapter of the Bible that I would like us to read together
I love you. These words bring me peace and I hope they do for you as well.
Talk about love that never falters even tested through the storms of hell.
I always knew there was something special about us.
I love you.
Your struggle with your past sins is an
attempt of satan to discourage you and
led you astray. God has forgiven you and
remembers them ( sins no more ). As
christains we need to stand on God,s
Grace and Mercy. He loves us. Untill we
can grasp the fact that His Grace is
sifficient for us we struggle with the
past. Paul ask God to take this thorn
from him and God replied son My Grace
is sufficient for you. We need to rest
assure that that Grace is ours and we
can abide in it. As for being baptised
again it will help you with your
spirituality and there is nothing wrong
with being baptised more than once. I
have been twice. I pray that this has
helped and I will continue holding you
up in my prayers
I have been so silent and not in a poetic writing state. However, I have been seeking the words of God. I am trying to help my husband understand the meaning of the words, walk blindly with faith. So, from here on, for a while atleast, my wordpress blog is going to have a lot of meaning behind faith, grace, forgiveness, repentance, and my big inspiration at the time blind faith. Hope you will join me in this part of my life expressions. I post what I feel. I write what I feel. This blog, as I said before, is ME. It is my heart, my feelings, my trials, my struggles, my mind, my journey, as a human being and a child of God. Much love to all. God bless everyone and I hope to start a meaningful inspirational prayer chain for every person who is part of my blog regardless of the struggles they are going through. Let us find our way through faith, Jesus Christ, and truth of the word of God together.
I have not been writing lately. Writer’s block, not wanting to feel emotions to the point of actually writing about them, whatever the case, today I feel like writing. So, many people in the cancer community on wordpress face the same trials as I do. Something, so many people are out of touch with and don’t comprehend the havoc and despair it causes for the victims and their loved ones. It is nice to know that there is a place where people relate to what we are all experiencing. Ultimately, it would be ideal if cancer did not exist and we did not need places to find where others understand. I wish no one had to experience such terrible life occurrences. I never thought it would hit this close to home. My grandparents both died from cancer. However, they were in their seventies. I was only thirteen and did not grasp the concept. My aunt died of cancer as well leaving a ten year old son and a fifteen year old daughter behind. Shortly after that their father lost his life to Leukemia. Still, at only thirteen it did not hit home as it has now. They lived several states away and my relationship was not extremely close with them. Now, I thought that was it. How could cancer possibly strike my life again. How? Again? And so close to my heart. It is my husband and I still just don’t know why cancer has to be so aggressive, undiscriminating, taking victims who have done nothing to deserve it. Well, now we have found out the not so good news. My husband went to another cancer center for a second opinion. He was told that they would do nothing more than what the current treatment center is doing. Basically, they do not want to operate and are emphasizing “quality of life”. Also, sadly he was told that he will be on chemotherapy for the rest of his life. Does he deserve this? no. Is he a bad person? no Did he do anything to put himself at risk for getting cancer? no. Does he have a great life worth living for? yes. So, my heart goes out to every single person that is reading this and experiencing a life involving someone with cancer. We share something that others just don’t understand or grasp the full concept of the effect it has on those living with it in their lives. I pray for all of you and let us all pray for each other and hope for the best. Trust in God. We don’t have the answers to everything and he does have a bigger plan. I am praying for all cancer victims and their families. I hope we can all create a prayer chain for this entire community of cancer victims and their families. Pray. Pray. Pray. God bless you all and my heart goes out to all of you.
Sometimes I write in a somewhat odd way. When I have a lot on my mind, I simply sit down and start typing the thoughts as they are flowing through my mind. This is one of those times. I haven’t been writing a lot lately. My reasons. I don’t want to write, because I don’t want to feel. We all block out emotional distress at times. Today, I am feeling a lot of things. Writing is a great outlet to release your inner pain and emotional trials. I have been attempting to find other ways to deal with my feelings. Blocking them out doesn’t make them disappear. However, that would be nice. Realistically, no matter how much I write down how I am feeling inside it can never be a release that will satisfy and replace what is missing in my life. It will never make me whole. The only thing in this world that will make me whole and truly happy is holding my children in my arms, seeing their beautiful faces, helping them deal with and understand life, teaching them the word of God, guiding them with their struggles, and sharing the wonderful moments of joy in their life. Reading them stories, taking walks with them, kissing them goodnight, holding them in my arms and watching TV together, answering all the “mommy why …..” questions, fixing their hair, dressing them and telling them how beautiful they are. Being there to take the flowers they pick for me, helping with their homework, feeding and bathing them. Being their mother, loving them, sharing that bond that they so desperately need and deserve. Writing is a release, but it won’t give me my other half, my life partner, my husband. The release of writing my feelings will not put him next to me while we are sleeping or make him in the same home with me watching television while I am preparing his dinner and making tea that only I can make to his liking. Every breath, every moment, every night, every morning, every minute, every second without my family which is part of who I am seems like an eternity. I have been so patient and it is getting harder each day. Actually, each second without them is more difficult to endure. I married my husband and we became one flesh. I carried my children and gave birth to them. My husband and my children are NOT SEPARATE PEOPLE THAT EXIST APART FROM ME. They are part of me. They make me whole and there is not one person in this world that can ever change that fact. I really hope they know that I feel this way about our family. NEVER should we have been separated. Now, I am so close to getting that part of me back. We are a family and a family is one unit of life united as one. I really don’t think that the people around me actually recognize how painful this has been for me. I have OCD and used to look in the mirror and as God, “Why me?” But now, I never imagined for one second my family would endure such a painful event. And today I did, though I know I am not supposed to, ask God, “Why Me?” I am not a bad mother. I would give up anything in this world for the sake of my children. I would care for my husband until the end of time. I am not perfect at all. I have made mistakes. But, we have all made mistakes. All of us. If we say we have not, we are lying to ourselves. We can’t lie to God. He is the only one who can search all the way into our hearts. He sees what we did, why we did it, the temptation that we fell into, our repentance of our sins, our true intentions, our human nature, and what truly lies in our hearts. That is why he is the only one, and Jesus Christ, who can truly judge us and decide what we do and do not deserve in life. Man does not see as God sees and man will never be able to see as God sees. So, this has been on my mind and I felt like writing it. I would like to end with my favorite words from the bible. The wording may not be perfect because it is from my memory, but it is fairly worded correctly.
You have been saved by grace through your faith, not of your works lest you not boast.
Much love to all and may God touch your hearts and bless your soul
Saatchi Online Artist Deborah Stevenson; Assemblage / Collage, Blind Faith #art – http://pinterest.com/pin/313563192776099170/