Update and Message

Unfortunately, my husband passed away In March of 2014. This blog is dedicated to him and tells how wonderful of a man he was.

This is on my blog.  It says better than any other words what he meant to me and who he was as a person.

FOR MY HUSBAND

– I see you as a blessing – You are my guide – My manual to life

 –   My definitions of all meanings lie within you

  – You Define:

– Value – Honesty – Strength – Dedication – Trust – Integrity

– and all things Good

– Your soul is like a glossery defining the right way to be

 – I pray that I have given to you in return:      

                      – A guide to love – Faith – Forgiveness

– And Grace

~ L.G.

 He taught me some of the most valuable life lessons that have made me who I am. Today, I am still grieving. It is an up and down battle. He was in so much pain. I never knew that it was possible for a person to endure such pain. The most amazing thing to me was his Faith. I saw him day after day hunched over on the floor crying in pain praying to God and asking Jesus to please take the pain away. Even though the pain continued, he refused to give up faith. My husband demonstrated the most amazing example of unwaivering Faith I have ever witnessed. I bathed him, I watched him cry, I slept in the hospital bed with him, chased nurses around while he laid on the hospital floor screaming in pain for his meds. This blog tells how wonderful of a man he was. He instilled a set of values in me that I don’t see in many people today. He talked to me about life and how people should be. He showed me that a relationship can be great. He taught me communication between a man and a woman without fighting.

I need to say one thing to everyone who gets any notification when I post on this blog. I heard that people lose faith when they lose a loved one. I have heard people feel like giving up because they have lost their faith. This is what you need to know.

WE ARE HUMAN AND GOD KNOWS THAT WE ARE HUMAN. WHEN WE LOSE A LOVED ONE IT IS NATURAL TO BECOME DULL AND NUMB. WE MIGHT FEEL WE HAVE LOST FAITH BUT WE HAVE NOT. IT IS A NATURAL HUMAN EMOTION. WHAT I DID WHEN I DIDN’T FEEL LIKE TALKING TO GOD, PRAYING, OPENING A BIBLE, ETC. IS THIS:

I TOLD GOD, “I LOVE YOU AND I KNOW THIS IS A HUMAN EMOTION AND YOU KNOW WE ARE HUMAN. I AM NOT LOSING FAITH, BUT BECOMING NUMB AND DISCONNECTED. I TRUST YOU AND AM ASKING YOU TO HOLD ON TO ME GOD. I AM LETTING GO RIGHT NOW AND YOU KNOW IT’S HUMAN EMOTION AND PART OF GRIEVING. GOD PLEASE DO NOT LET GO OF ME AND HOLD ON TO ME. I KNEW HE HEARD ME AND I TRUSTED HE WAS DOING JUST AS I ASKED. THIS IS MY MESSAGE TO ALL THOSE GRIEVING AND FEELING GUILT LIKE YOU HAVE LOST FAITH. IF YOU REALLY LOST FAITH, YOU WOULD NOT FEEL GUILTY ABOUT IT. YOU AREN’T LOSING FAITH. YOU ARE NUMB AND EXPERIENCING HUMAN EMOTION AND PART OF A GRIEVING PROCESS. GOD KNOWS THAT. ASK HIM NOT TO LET GO OF YOU AND WHEN THE TIME IS RIGHT EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE. YOU WILL HAVE A KIND OF FAITH YOU NEVER KNEW POSSIBLE AND AN EVEN CLOSER RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD.

LOVE TO ALL AND MAY GOD BLESS ALL!

 

Another Post to share a comment and my reply. (you know I love sharing interactions with my supporters)

4 comments on “Job interviews”

    • Things aren’t easy. I was in there for two hours. They basically said they were going to hire me. My husband was home working on his truck and needed me back. I was told they would contact me. I also went to an apply in person assisted living facility and talked to a lady and filled out an application. She said she was taking applications but not interviewing yet. I gave her my letters of recommendation, resume, drivers license to copy, and filled out an application. She seemed happy with my information I brought in. I want to get my foot in the door at an assisted living facility so praying she chooses to call me back. I got another call about a job I applied for as an office administrator, but they said the client was picky and even though I was in school while out of the workforce they wanted someone who has been in the workforce consistently. I will keep applying and God will lead me to the right job. It is hard because my poor husband has needed me here so he can work on the truck. Funding helps. It definitely helps with gas to my interviews and his appointments. Even though we only received 320.00 in our gofund it helps with gas to treatments and interviews. Our food stamps got cut. He wants me to get a good job because he is worried a part time job will cause us to lose Medicaid. I’m trying and we are doing our best. I appreciate your concern. Also, his dad helped with some parts for the truck. Yet, my husband did buy another needed part and tools and two new tires almost $400 for two tires. I’m trying and praying. We pray every night for God to give us what he knows we need even if it is not what we want. God knows what we need before we ask. Many people treat him like a genie in a bottle and then get mad when he does not give us what we want. I recently read a book on how to pray we received from the church we are going to. I learned that it is correct to ask for God’s will to be done and give us what he knows we need for his will to be done even if we don’t understand it. We pray each night for God to give us what he knows we need for his will to be done and to strengthen our family to stay together no matter what life brings our way.

New Treatment Option

From my understanding, based on what was told to my husband yesterday by a new doctor he went to see is that a new “trial” will be started that he is eligible for.  Because the colon cancer mestestasized to his liver this doctor wants to focus on the liver first.  They are going to be inserting a catheter that sends the medication regimen straight into his liver only.  It is almost guaranteed to reduce the cancer lesions and improve his liver issues with the cancer.  Then they will focus on the colon.  I am praying this is the answer I have been praying for.  I have been praying to God to just help him, fix it, do something else, something different, something more effective.  And I give credit and thanks to all who pray for me that follow my blog as well.  Keep praying.  Blind Faith is the life I am living and it is most certainly a life worth living.  Following the words of God.  The words of the Bible.  God bless you all and much love to all who care enough to follow my life documentary and pray for my family.

texts to my husband today

I don’t really know who reads this or even knows what the meaning behind what I post is.  However, the blog is a documentary of my life so when I want to document important things, I do.  Some of my followers know the whole story and others only know what they read.  I have taken some posts off of here due to the requests of others that were involved in what I wrote and are not as willing to put it all out there as I am.  So, respectfully, I did and all of the story is not here anymore.  But the ones who followed me back then do know the whole story.  Either way, I will continue to post as I feel the need.  Sometimes I just feel like going weeks without messing with this at all and other times I feel things are important to document since this blog is not about attention, getting followers, or anything other than documenting what I am going through at this point in my life.  I appreciate those who care enough to pray and follow me.  It means a lot.  Sio, I sent some very meaningful texts to my husband and I would like to document them on my blog.   So, here it goes.

TEXTS TO MY HUSBAND

Where there is a will there is a way. We CAN do this

Remember, no matter what satan throws our way Gods grace will prevail

You are my heart.  Remember, I love YOU for who you are and not who anyone else wants you to be.  I love the real you. I know your flaws and all. I love you for you.  The true person you are.

Even when you make mistakes or I don’t agree with some of your decisions I still love you and will always be here.

We are human.  Temptation throws us off of the right path. But, we don’t dwell on it and satan wants us to dwell on our mistakes so we will continue to make bad choices.

God wants us to trust his word that is “the full armor of God” that is in the Bible

Grace is a gift of love of forgiveness for our sins that we do not deserve

Grace is given as a gift to us by God

We earn that gift of Gods grace through our faith in Jesus Christ

Faith and Grace are two words I have been trying to understand the meaning of my entire life.

I found the verse in the bible that set me free and gave me peace.

It made everything in my life I have ever questioned make sense.

I will send it to you again.

I feel it is the most important and strongest words in the Bible.  The word of God. The truth. The way. The answer to human questions about all of Gods grace, faith, forgiveness, etc.

You know when I told you Faith and Grace were the two most powerful and meaningful words in Christianity

I did not understand why.

I just knew.  It was something I felt.

So, When I began seeking and reading the Bible I found the answer that gave me peace and made me cry. gave me that “feeling”

Write this on the inside of your Bible please

Ephesians 2: 8 – 9

For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourself, it is the gift of God; not as a result of works, that no one should boast.

Ephesians is one chapter of the Bible that I would like us to read together

I love you. These words bring me peace and I hope they do for you as well.

Soulmate.

Unconditional love.

Talk about love that never falters even tested through the storms of hell.

I always knew there was something special about us.

I love you.

Note to me from a minister

Your struggle with your past sins is an
attempt of satan to discourage you and
led you astray. God has forgiven you and
remembers them ( sins no more ). As
christains we need to stand on God,s
Grace and Mercy. He loves us. Untill we
can grasp the fact that His Grace is
sifficient for us we struggle with the
past. Paul ask God to take this thorn
from him and God replied son My Grace
is sufficient for you. We need to rest
assure that that Grace is ours and we
can abide in it. As for being baptised
again it will help you with your
spirituality and there is nothing wrong
with being baptised more than once. I
have been twice. I pray that this has
helped and I will continue holding you
up in my prayers

Life of Me

Okay,

I have been so silent and not in a poetic writing state.  However, I have been seeking the words of God.  I am trying to help my husband understand the meaning of the words, walk blindly with faith.  So, from here on, for a while atleast, my wordpress blog is going to have a lot of meaning behind faith, grace, forgiveness, repentance, and my big inspiration at the time blind faith.  Hope you will join me in this part of my life expressions.  I post what I feel.  I write what I feel.  This blog, as I said before, is ME.  It is my heart, my feelings, my trials, my struggles, my mind, my journey, as a human being and a child of God.  Much love to all.  God bless everyone and I hope to start a meaningful inspirational prayer chain for every person who is part of my blog regardless of the struggles they are going through.  Let us find our way through faith, Jesus Christ, and truth of the word of God together.

Cancer is a part of my life

I have not been writing lately.  Writer’s block, not wanting to feel emotions to the point of actually writing about them, whatever the case, today I feel like writing.  So, many people in the cancer community on wordpress face the same trials as I do.  Something, so many people are out of touch with and don’t comprehend the havoc and despair it causes for the victims and their loved ones.  It is nice to know that there is a place where people relate to what we are all experiencing.  Ultimately, it would be ideal if cancer did not exist and we did not need places to find where others understand.  I wish no one had to experience such terrible life occurrences.  I never thought it would hit this close to home.  My grandparents both died from cancer.  However, they were in their seventies.  I was only thirteen and did not grasp the concept.  My aunt died of cancer as well leaving a ten year old son and a fifteen year old daughter behind.  Shortly after that their father lost his life to Leukemia.  Still, at only thirteen it did not hit home as it has now.  They lived several states away and my relationship was not extremely close with them.  Now, I thought that was it.  How could cancer possibly strike my life again.  How? Again? And so close to my heart.  It is my husband and I still just don’t know why cancer has to be so aggressive, undiscriminating, taking victims who have done nothing to deserve it.  Well, now we have found out the not so good news.  My husband went to another cancer center for a second opinion.  He was told that they would do nothing more than what the current treatment center is doing.  Basically, they do not want to operate and are emphasizing “quality of life”.  Also, sadly he was told that he will be on chemotherapy for the rest of his life.  Does he deserve this? no.  Is he a bad person? no Did he do anything to put himself at risk for getting cancer? no.  Does he have a great life worth living for? yes.  So, my heart goes out to every single person that is reading this and experiencing a life involving someone with cancer.  We share something that others just don’t understand or grasp the full concept of the effect it has on those living with it in their lives.  I pray for all of you and let us all pray for each other and hope for the best.  Trust in God.  We don’t have the answers to everything and he does have a bigger plan.  I am praying for all cancer victims and their families.  I hope we can all create a prayer chain for this entire community of cancer victims and their families.  Pray. Pray. Pray. God bless you all and my heart goes out to all of you.

On My Mind

Sometimes I write in a somewhat odd way.  When I have a lot on my mind, I simply sit down and start typing the thoughts as they are flowing through my mind.  This is one of those times.  I haven’t been writing a lot lately.  My reasons.  I don’t want to write, because I don’t want to feel.  We all block out emotional distress at times.  Today, I am feeling a lot of things.  Writing is a great outlet to release your inner pain and emotional trials.  I have been attempting to find other ways to deal with my feelings.  Blocking them out doesn’t make them disappear.  However, that would be nice.  Realistically, no matter how much I write down how I am feeling inside it can never be a release that will satisfy and replace what is missing in my life.  It will never make me whole.  The only thing in this world that will make me whole and truly happy is holding my children in my arms, seeing their beautiful faces, helping them deal with and understand life, teaching them the word of God, guiding them with their struggles, and sharing the wonderful moments of joy in their life.  Reading them stories, taking walks with them, kissing them goodnight, holding them in my arms and watching TV together, answering all the “mommy why …..” questions, fixing their hair, dressing them and telling them how beautiful they are.  Being there to take the flowers they pick for me, helping with their homework, feeding and bathing them.  Being their mother, loving them, sharing that bond that they so desperately need and deserve.  Writing is a release, but it won’t give me my other half, my life partner, my husband.  The release of writing my feelings will not put him next to me while we are sleeping or make him in the same home with me watching television while I am preparing his dinner and making tea that only I can make to his liking.  Every breath, every moment, every night, every morning, every minute, every second without my family which is part of who I am seems like an eternity.  I have been so patient and it is getting harder each day.  Actually, each second without them is more difficult to endure.  I married my husband and we became one flesh.  I carried my children and gave birth to them.  My husband and my children are NOT SEPARATE PEOPLE THAT EXIST APART FROM ME.  They are part of me.  They make me whole and there is not one person in this world that can ever change that fact.  I really hope they know that I feel this way about our family.  NEVER should we have been separated.  Now, I am so close to getting that part of me back.  We are a family and a family is one unit of life united as one.  I really don’t think that the people around me actually recognize how painful this has been for me.  I have OCD and used to look in the mirror and as God, “Why me?”  But now, I never imagined for one second my family would endure such a painful event.  And today I did, though I know I am not supposed to, ask God, “Why Me?”  I am not a bad mother.  I would give up anything in this world for the sake of my children.  I would care for my husband until the end of time.  I am not perfect at all.  I have made mistakes.  But, we have all made mistakes.  All of us.  If we say we have not, we are lying to ourselves.  We can’t lie to God.  He is the only one who can search all the way into our hearts.  He sees what we did, why we did it, the temptation that we fell into, our repentance of our sins, our true intentions, our human nature, and what truly lies in our hearts.  That is why he is the only one, and Jesus Christ, who can truly judge us and decide what we do and do not deserve in life.  Man does not see as God sees and man will never be able to see as God sees.  So, this has been on my mind and I felt like writing it.  I would like to end with my favorite words from the bible.  The wording may not be perfect because it is from my memory, but it is fairly worded correctly.

 

You have been saved by grace through your faith, not of your works lest you not boast.

 

Much love to all and may God touch your hearts and bless your soul

blind faith

image

Art source: pinterest

Saatchi Online Artist Deborah Stevenson; Assemblage / Collage, Blind Faith #art – http://pinterest.com/pin/313563192776099170/