texts to my husband today

I don’t really know who reads this or even knows what the meaning behind what I post is.  However, the blog is a documentary of my life so when I want to document important things, I do.  Some of my followers know the whole story and others only know what they read.  I have taken some posts off of here due to the requests of others that were involved in what I wrote and are not as willing to put it all out there as I am.  So, respectfully, I did and all of the story is not here anymore.  But the ones who followed me back then do know the whole story.  Either way, I will continue to post as I feel the need.  Sometimes I just feel like going weeks without messing with this at all and other times I feel things are important to document since this blog is not about attention, getting followers, or anything other than documenting what I am going through at this point in my life.  I appreciate those who care enough to pray and follow me.  It means a lot.  Sio, I sent some very meaningful texts to my husband and I would like to document them on my blog.   So, here it goes.

TEXTS TO MY HUSBAND

Where there is a will there is a way. We CAN do this

Remember, no matter what satan throws our way Gods grace will prevail

You are my heart.  Remember, I love YOU for who you are and not who anyone else wants you to be.  I love the real you. I know your flaws and all. I love you for you.  The true person you are.

Even when you make mistakes or I don’t agree with some of your decisions I still love you and will always be here.

We are human.  Temptation throws us off of the right path. But, we don’t dwell on it and satan wants us to dwell on our mistakes so we will continue to make bad choices.

God wants us to trust his word that is “the full armor of God” that is in the Bible

Grace is a gift of love of forgiveness for our sins that we do not deserve

Grace is given as a gift to us by God

We earn that gift of Gods grace through our faith in Jesus Christ

Faith and Grace are two words I have been trying to understand the meaning of my entire life.

I found the verse in the bible that set me free and gave me peace.

It made everything in my life I have ever questioned make sense.

I will send it to you again.

I feel it is the most important and strongest words in the Bible.  The word of God. The truth. The way. The answer to human questions about all of Gods grace, faith, forgiveness, etc.

You know when I told you Faith and Grace were the two most powerful and meaningful words in Christianity

I did not understand why.

I just knew.  It was something I felt.

So, When I began seeking and reading the Bible I found the answer that gave me peace and made me cry. gave me that “feeling”

Write this on the inside of your Bible please

Ephesians 2: 8 – 9

For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourself, it is the gift of God; not as a result of works, that no one should boast.

Ephesians is one chapter of the Bible that I would like us to read together

I love you. These words bring me peace and I hope they do for you as well.

Soulmate.

Unconditional love.

Talk about love that never falters even tested through the storms of hell.

I always knew there was something special about us.

I love you.

Advertisements

Note to me from a minister

Your struggle with your past sins is an
attempt of satan to discourage you and
led you astray. God has forgiven you and
remembers them ( sins no more ). As
christains we need to stand on God,s
Grace and Mercy. He loves us. Untill we
can grasp the fact that His Grace is
sifficient for us we struggle with the
past. Paul ask God to take this thorn
from him and God replied son My Grace
is sufficient for you. We need to rest
assure that that Grace is ours and we
can abide in it. As for being baptised
again it will help you with your
spirituality and there is nothing wrong
with being baptised more than once. I
have been twice. I pray that this has
helped and I will continue holding you
up in my prayers

Life of Me

Okay,

I have been so silent and not in a poetic writing state.  However, I have been seeking the words of God.  I am trying to help my husband understand the meaning of the words, walk blindly with faith.  So, from here on, for a while atleast, my wordpress blog is going to have a lot of meaning behind faith, grace, forgiveness, repentance, and my big inspiration at the time blind faith.  Hope you will join me in this part of my life expressions.  I post what I feel.  I write what I feel.  This blog, as I said before, is ME.  It is my heart, my feelings, my trials, my struggles, my mind, my journey, as a human being and a child of God.  Much love to all.  God bless everyone and I hope to start a meaningful inspirational prayer chain for every person who is part of my blog regardless of the struggles they are going through.  Let us find our way through faith, Jesus Christ, and truth of the word of God together.

to my in laws and response from a reader

I posted this back in May I think. My husband asked me
to take it down
This is a response from a reader. I like to post the ones that means a lot to me, as you have probably noticed…

First I want to say that I love my in-laws.  I thought, and I hope it isn’t just a thought, but the truth.  I believed we had a good relationship before all of this happened.  I wish to just forget about all the in between bad stuff that has happened between us and go back to the good and start fresh from that point.  If they do happen to read this post, I want them to know that I love them and in my heart, I truly do care and I really WANT a good relationship with them.  I want it very much.  That is why I refuse to hold anger or resentment.  We have had our words over this in the past.  I admit there was one situation where I did get angry and said some things to them and I publically apologize for that.  Please, can we start anew.  If you are reading.  I love you and I cared about our relationship.  The fact that it was broken has hurt me and I want back what we had.  Lets agree to disagree, let go of the past.  Remember the good, go back to that and forget the in-between.  I can do it.  I want to do it.

Now, below is a response from one of my followers on one of my posts that I would like to share.  Love her. http://intothelightofthenightkitchen.wordpress.com/.  Octavia02

Hi Laura, I hope you’re doing well today. I was thinking about your blog and in-laws.. I think your husband is so proud of you and how you’ve channeled your hurt, fear, love and confusion into this blog that helps other people. My guess is he wanted to show his parents thinking they could not help but see how special both you and the blog are. One thing I’ve learned is never underestimate the level of irrational anger cancer can inspire.
My mother is out of her mind angry with me constantly. It’s hard on my father as well as me. I have to believe that their treatment of you is much more about their son’s illness than about anything to do with the mother of their grandchildren.
That doesn’t make their behavior hurt any less but hopefully it will help ease your questions of self-doubt should they ever arise. Lots of love to you.
-k.

Let’s just do it. Getting Interesting. MindSync.MindSync.Mindsync.

Okay, just out of curiosity, and really, I would like the input and perceptions of others.  I am going to make this post sort of a forum type deal.  The eleven questions that I was “as a rule” supposed to come up with to ask those I nominated for the “Liebster Award” are questions I would like to have answered by any single person that sees one or more of these questions they would like to answer.  So, let’s just go for it.  Make it part of our little community.  If you want to answer any question, whether it be one or all, go for it.  No judgments, just no rudeness allowed.  Be graceful with your words out of respect for me and my blogging community.  I look forward to your comments and answers.  To be fair.  I will answer them as well.  Just give me some time.  You guys go ahead and answer away.  I have some things I need to work on  and then I will post my answers as a separate post.  Much love and respect to all.

  1. What is your definition of Faith?
  2. How do you interpret the phrase, “walk blindly with faith”?
  3. What is your definition of Grace?
  4. Do you believe there is only one person on this Earth that you are destined to be with or do you believe there are many people you could be compatible with, it is just a matter of staying faithful to that one, out of the many, that you find and choose to be with?
  5. Do you feel like you judge others unfairly, while overlooking your own faults?
  6. Do you feel like you are completely honest with yourself or do you have a habit of finding ways to justify your wrongdoings?
  7. Do honest and straightforward people offend you?  Not rudely straightforward and honest?  People like me?  People who as these types of questions?
  8. Do you fear each day that your life might end while you still have may people you need to make amends with and have important conversations with?
  9. Are you still trying to figure out who you are and what you stand for?  Where you stand on important life topics?
  10. Are you afraid of life and adding to the question, are you afraid of death?
  11. Are you more afraid of your own death or the death of a loved one?

God, Do you hear me?

-God do you hear me?

-When I am not praying?

-If I do not start off

– By saying your name

-Or, as I myself do, I start with Dear God,

-Do I have to lay down

-Or kneel and take time

-To speak at one moment

-To you then and there

-Or God do you hear me

-Are you always with me?

-Hearing each thought

-Each need and each feeling

-I ask such questions, when the answer I know

-I know you are here

-You are always with me

-I don’t have to pray

-To know that you heard me

-I feel you here with me

-For every second, every moment

-You sync with my thoughts

-My heart and my soul

-It seems in my state

-As currently it is

-That my prayers never stop

-Every feeling and thought

-You are part of this all

-For you are here with me

-I know this for sure

-That is how I keep doing

– what it is that I do

-It’s all because I have you

-At all times, here with me

-For, I feel so blessed

-My God up in heaven, is carrying me

By: L.G.

Stigma

I really love being able to let it all go.  My thoughts, whether through writing a short paragraph, photographs, or poetry, or in some cases, a long drawn out essay format.  I would like to share one thing I am very passionate about.  I have an issue about the stigma against mental illness.  Every single person has a brain, a liver, a vascular system, a heart, and all the other body organs that must function properly in order for us to live life to the fullest.  I have suffered miserably with anxiety and obsessive compulsive disorder to a degree that others do not have the capacity to understand.  I have been told, “It is all in your head”, “can’t you just control it”, “just cut it off”, “stop thinking about it”.  Well, I have been blessed to finally be on the right medications.  Finding those medications is like being a science experiment.  Let me tell you, it is not fun.  Think about it like this before you judge a person with a mental illness.  Would anyone choose to feel depressed, scared, fearful, anxious, etc. if the solution was as simple as just “cutting it off in their head”?  I would have cut it off in a heartbeat if it was that simple.  I have known people who have family that detest accepting mental illness as a problem in their child, sibling, spouse, etc.  It is wrong and unfair to the one suffering.  If only it was accepted and they had that support, they could have a much better quality of life.  I myself, started feeling depressed around the age of thirteen.  I approached my father saying, “Dad, I have been feeling really sad lately and would like to find some professional help”.  His response, “I don’t want to hear that s..t. Get your.. back up to the house”.  My mother, thankfully, saved my life by responding to my request.  My husband has also been very supportive.  At the age of thirty, I have finally found the right regimen of medications.  My point is this: The brain can malfunction just like other organs of the body.  People have diabetes, heart problems, etc. and are encouraged to take care of it.  Anyone who is reading this.  Please do not stigmatize those with mental illness.  Let us take care of our mind, as there is no shame in seeking treatment.  For me, I am a happy person and very functional, so long as I keep taking care of my mind and ignoring those who disagree with my treatment.  After all, it is my life and I deserve to be happy and freed of my medical disorders, just as those with diabetes, etc.

By: L.G.

Risky Post

I am being brave.  I suffered postpartum depression after my third child and went to a mental health inpatient facility for help.  It was one of the most disturbing and traumatic events of my life. I was so distressed over the experience there that I wrote a letter, which I never mailed.  However, it gave me closure just writing it.  These are very true and serious events.  Mental health is nothing to laugh at and I am truly passionate about fighting the stigma towards mental health. I, myself, have suffered from OCD my entire life and am thankful to have finally found the proper medication.  I had a terrible experience at this particular facility.  Since I wrote about the event after the fact, I decided to share it since it is one of my life experiences.  I was in the facility for postpartum depression.  It did more harm than good for me, however.  This post is about the improper way the facility was run and has nothing to do with judging the actions of patients.  I have a passion for mental illness and how misunderstood it is.  I even have a green bracelet that symbolizes the fight against the stigma towards mental illness.  The post is about the facility  and the lack of coordination and control in a sensitive environment.

Dear Sir or Madam,

I would like to inform you of some very important concerns I have regarding your inpatient mental health program.  I am a healthcare administrator myself and only wish the best possible recovery for those with a mental illness.  Unfortunately, we all have moments of distress in our lives at some point and I spent a few days in your facility.  Please listen to my concerns with an open mind because I am writing this in hopes of improving the outcome of recovery among mentally ill patients, who are indeed, citizens of this county.

I understand that funding is an extremely important issue that affects how much one can do to improve a facility.  However, to meet the goals and visions of your organization there are some changes that should be top priority before raising salaries of the staff when looking at the budget. People who are trying to recover from a mental illness are very delicate and if they do have underlying disorders that could be triggered by environmental factors this is the place that would be the trigger for the onset of more serious problems than one already has.  Please have the respect to hear me out.

First, I will describe my experience of a place that the staff did not maintain control of and things were extremely out of hand.

1. A woman was constantly urinating on herself and the chairs that the patients sit in.  This was a continuous thing.  The smell of urine was so strong at times that one patient started gagging and he really wasn’t doing it to be funny.  I know this because he told everyone to stop laughing because she could not help it.  Not once, did I see the staff clean out one of those chairs.  A staff member made her change and take a shower.  However, sometimes they just ignored it for up to an hour before they had time to deal with her.  Now, say someone has Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (dealing with germs, handwashing, and contamination) and is trying to recover.  How is that possible in an environment where a woman is urinating all over herself five times a day and doing it in all of the chairs.  The woman was given diapers.  However, she took the diaper off one time and put it in the trash and went and sat down and urinated in the chair.  The diapers don’t hold much.  In other words, they did not work.  Not only is this unsanitary, but it can be debilitating to a patient trying to recover from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (that is focused on germs and contamination).

  • I feel this type of patient should have been put in an area away from others if she could not stop urinating on herself and everything in the area of the general patient population. Others should not have to suffer trying to recover in an unsanitary environment with a situation that will not aid in the recovery of certain disorders, but aggravate them and worsen symptoms.

2. I understand that funding and the budget is an issue.  However, if it is reflecting on the well being of the patients and defeating the purpose of you goal to provide a successful recovery to those who have mental illness there are some serious issues that need attention.  There are many levels of mental illness.  Some are only suffering depression, the loss of a loved one, anxiety, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Bipolar, etc.  However, more severe illnesses include schizophrenia, multiple personalities, delusions, hallucinations, psychosis, etc.  The patient population should be separated based on the severity of their illness in order to provide the most effective treatment to the patients.  Seeing someone suffering from an extreme mental illness is very disturbing, shocking, and sad.  Patients with mild illness such as depression and the others I listed are in no state to witness the behavior of patients with more severe issues.  I will now give examples that I personally witnessed.

  • A patient was visiting ——— because her son passed away and she needed some guidance and help coping.  Instead, she was punched in the face by another patient for no reason at all.  The other patient just walked by her and hit her.
  • A young man in his very early twenties admits himself because he is strong enough to reach out for help regarding his depression, anxiety, and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.  The first day he arrives he is in shock and feels it was a huge mistake to come to your facility.  He says he just wanted help and he never imagined “….this would happen”.  After his initial shock and regrets for admitting himself, his room mate wakes up in the middle of the night and stares at the wall.  Then his roommate starts laughing hysterically.  The boy is scared and sits up.  His roommate then gets out of bed and stands up and looks at him.  He says, Maybe we should kill you too and starts moving towards the other patient.  The victim pushes him and runs out of the room for help.  His roommate chases him.  On top of this, the guy threatening him is completely naked.  He tells the young man God told him to kill him because he is a vampire.  The staff try to control the patient and it is too difficult to hold him down.  They sound the alarms so more help can come to contain the patient and finally give him the famous shot and put him in seclusion.  Everyone had woken up from sleep and was looking out their doors to see what was going on.  The young man that was the victim was terrified.  He said he didn’t even want to have to see the guy walking around in there.  Of course, they let him back out into the patient population.  He sat down outside and stated, “I guess five vampires wasn’t enough to hold me down”.

Within the next hour…..

  • Another patient loses control and is tackled and given “the shot” and put in seclusion.

At the same time…..

  • The patient who is suffering from incontinence refuses to shower and change.  She is told to go to her room and she refuses.  She starts cursing at the staff and they have to spend fifteen minutes dragging her down the hallway to her room covered in urine.  They did mop the floor, but I never saw them clean a chair she urinated in. They locked her in her room because they ran out of seclusion rooms.  One of the guys in seclusion was banging on his door very loudly while this was going on. The chaos alone was enough to push someone into a breakdown at a place where they are supposed to be recovering and getting help.  Once locked in her room, the woman (who urinated on herself constantly) began banging on her door and cursing and yelling for over an hour.  Everyone could hear her and see her.  At one point she was steadily banging on the door looking through the window yelling, “ I’m hungry, I’m hungry, let me out, I want breakfast, I’m hungry. Im hungry”.  It was a singsong type of yelling almost like a chant.

At the same time….. (I know, it is hard to believe more was going on)

  • A woman was sitting in a chair laughing hysterically for no reason
  • A man was walking around talking to himself with no indication of awareness that he had anyone around him at all.
  • A man was citing bible scriptures.
  • Another patient was walking around talking about Obama going to jail, nuclear powered submarines he swam in the ocean with off of the coast of Costa Rica, immigrants of Costa Rica being murdered instead of deported, Obama snorting cocaine and screwing hookers in the white house”.  He says, “…I am RonaldRegan” and starts another crazy off the wall political rant.  He then goes, “Dear Bill and Hillary”.. I know what you did.  Hillary you killed people.  F…ck you.  Go to hell. Also, he is wearing a vine of thorns around his head every single day and he says, My mother’s name is Mary.  I married a virgin.

3. During my visit I walked into the bathroom and smelled something strange.  It smelled like urine but also dog poop.  I looked around and realized someone had pooped on the floor right in front of the door and I stepped in it.  I have OCD and that is when I shut it off for the first time.  How can a person who is trying to recover from fear of contamination recover in such an environment?

  • Most of the groups were cancelled because the staff was too busy tackling people and giving them shots to hold group.
  • This facility does not give narcotics to patients.  WHY??? The drugs were made for a reason and that is for mental patients to be sedated to a point of calmness so that they can control their behavior.  Instead of treating them they waited until they got so out of control that they had to be stuck with a needled and put in seclusion.  The medication is addictive.  However, they must have it in some cases so the addiction needs to be avoided by making a plan that will benefit the patient while effectively treating them.  My suggestion:

If someone is found to need an addictive medication, give it to them.  Talk to their family.  In most instances they will have someone in their household or that lives close enough to hold the medication and administer it to them as needed.  If they become addicted and no one gives them the medicine properly it isn’t the doctors fault.  However, the ones responsible for how that person behaves and how it affects other innocent patients is put on the staff, directors, and administrators of the facility.

THE ISSUE THAT SHOULD NOT BE IGNORED

–          My point is that innocent patients with serious issues admit themselves voluntarily expecting help.  They want to find someone to help them deal with the loss of a loved one and guide them in how to grieve.  They want to come out of a depression that makes them feel so low they are on the edge to feeling suicidal.  They have extreme anxiety that is impacting their life, work, family, etc.  People that want to get better and recognize they need a little help are respectable and should be treated with dignity.  They should not have their roommate try to kill them in the middle of the night being told they are a vampire and God told them to kill. A woman trying to receive help in dealing with the death of a child should not be punched in the face for no reason when she is just walking down the hall.  A person who is trying to overcome obsessions should not have another patient following them and constantly telling them their worst fears are true and they are not obsessing because it is true.  This is not recovery.  This is an environment that has the potential to trigger worse psychiatric disorders that people would have otherwise been able to suppress in a normal environment.