Sometimes I write in a somewhat odd way. When I have a lot on my mind, I simply sit down and start typing the thoughts as they are flowing through my mind. This is one of those times. I haven’t been writing a lot lately. My reasons. I don’t want to write, because I don’t want to feel. We all block out emotional distress at times. Today, I am feeling a lot of things. Writing is a great outlet to release your inner pain and emotional trials. I have been attempting to find other ways to deal with my feelings. Blocking them out doesn’t make them disappear. However, that would be nice. Realistically, no matter how much I write down how I am feeling inside it can never be a release that will satisfy and replace what is missing in my life. It will never make me whole. The only thing in this world that will make me whole and truly happy is holding my children in my arms, seeing their beautiful faces, helping them deal with and understand life, teaching them the word of God, guiding them with their struggles, and sharing the wonderful moments of joy in their life. Reading them stories, taking walks with them, kissing them goodnight, holding them in my arms and watching TV together, answering all the “mommy why …..” questions, fixing their hair, dressing them and telling them how beautiful they are. Being there to take the flowers they pick for me, helping with their homework, feeding and bathing them. Being their mother, loving them, sharing that bond that they so desperately need and deserve. Writing is a release, but it won’t give me my other half, my life partner, my husband. The release of writing my feelings will not put him next to me while we are sleeping or make him in the same home with me watching television while I am preparing his dinner and making tea that only I can make to his liking. Every breath, every moment, every night, every morning, every minute, every second without my family which is part of who I am seems like an eternity. I have been so patient and it is getting harder each day. Actually, each second without them is more difficult to endure. I married my husband and we became one flesh. I carried my children and gave birth to them. My husband and my children are NOT SEPARATE PEOPLE THAT EXIST APART FROM ME. They are part of me. They make me whole and there is not one person in this world that can ever change that fact. I really hope they know that I feel this way about our family. NEVER should we have been separated. Now, I am so close to getting that part of me back. We are a family and a family is one unit of life united as one. I really don’t think that the people around me actually recognize how painful this has been for me. I have OCD and used to look in the mirror and as God, “Why me?” But now, I never imagined for one second my family would endure such a painful event. And today I did, though I know I am not supposed to, ask God, “Why Me?” I am not a bad mother. I would give up anything in this world for the sake of my children. I would care for my husband until the end of time. I am not perfect at all. I have made mistakes. But, we have all made mistakes. All of us. If we say we have not, we are lying to ourselves. We can’t lie to God. He is the only one who can search all the way into our hearts. He sees what we did, why we did it, the temptation that we fell into, our repentance of our sins, our true intentions, our human nature, and what truly lies in our hearts. That is why he is the only one, and Jesus Christ, who can truly judge us and decide what we do and do not deserve in life. Man does not see as God sees and man will never be able to see as God sees. So, this has been on my mind and I felt like writing it. I would like to end with my favorite words from the bible. The wording may not be perfect because it is from my memory, but it is fairly worded correctly.
You have been saved by grace through your faith, not of your works lest you not boast.
Much love to all and may God touch your hearts and bless your soul