Update and Message

Unfortunately, my husband passed away In March of 2014. This blog is dedicated to him and tells how wonderful of a man he was.

This is on my blog.  It says better than any other words what he meant to me and who he was as a person.

FOR MY HUSBAND

– I see you as a blessing – You are my guide – My manual to life

 –   My definitions of all meanings lie within you

  – You Define:

– Value – Honesty – Strength – Dedication – Trust – Integrity

– and all things Good

– Your soul is like a glossery defining the right way to be

 – I pray that I have given to you in return:      

                      – A guide to love – Faith – Forgiveness

– And Grace

~ L.G.

 He taught me some of the most valuable life lessons that have made me who I am. Today, I am still grieving. It is an up and down battle. He was in so much pain. I never knew that it was possible for a person to endure such pain. The most amazing thing to me was his Faith. I saw him day after day hunched over on the floor crying in pain praying to God and asking Jesus to please take the pain away. Even though the pain continued, he refused to give up faith. My husband demonstrated the most amazing example of unwaivering Faith I have ever witnessed. I bathed him, I watched him cry, I slept in the hospital bed with him, chased nurses around while he laid on the hospital floor screaming in pain for his meds. This blog tells how wonderful of a man he was. He instilled a set of values in me that I don’t see in many people today. He talked to me about life and how people should be. He showed me that a relationship can be great. He taught me communication between a man and a woman without fighting.

I need to say one thing to everyone who gets any notification when I post on this blog. I heard that people lose faith when they lose a loved one. I have heard people feel like giving up because they have lost their faith. This is what you need to know.

WE ARE HUMAN AND GOD KNOWS THAT WE ARE HUMAN. WHEN WE LOSE A LOVED ONE IT IS NATURAL TO BECOME DULL AND NUMB. WE MIGHT FEEL WE HAVE LOST FAITH BUT WE HAVE NOT. IT IS A NATURAL HUMAN EMOTION. WHAT I DID WHEN I DIDN’T FEEL LIKE TALKING TO GOD, PRAYING, OPENING A BIBLE, ETC. IS THIS:

I TOLD GOD, “I LOVE YOU AND I KNOW THIS IS A HUMAN EMOTION AND YOU KNOW WE ARE HUMAN. I AM NOT LOSING FAITH, BUT BECOMING NUMB AND DISCONNECTED. I TRUST YOU AND AM ASKING YOU TO HOLD ON TO ME GOD. I AM LETTING GO RIGHT NOW AND YOU KNOW IT’S HUMAN EMOTION AND PART OF GRIEVING. GOD PLEASE DO NOT LET GO OF ME AND HOLD ON TO ME. I KNEW HE HEARD ME AND I TRUSTED HE WAS DOING JUST AS I ASKED. THIS IS MY MESSAGE TO ALL THOSE GRIEVING AND FEELING GUILT LIKE YOU HAVE LOST FAITH. IF YOU REALLY LOST FAITH, YOU WOULD NOT FEEL GUILTY ABOUT IT. YOU AREN’T LOSING FAITH. YOU ARE NUMB AND EXPERIENCING HUMAN EMOTION AND PART OF A GRIEVING PROCESS. GOD KNOWS THAT. ASK HIM NOT TO LET GO OF YOU AND WHEN THE TIME IS RIGHT EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE. YOU WILL HAVE A KIND OF FAITH YOU NEVER KNEW POSSIBLE AND AN EVEN CLOSER RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD.

LOVE TO ALL AND MAY GOD BLESS ALL!

 

Vows Stay True

-I WANT TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH YOU

-THE DAY WE WED, A DAY SO SWEET

-I TOLD YOU THEN, I TELL YOU NOW

-BUT NOW AND THEN HAVE TURNED FROM DAY TO NIGHT

-I WANT TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH YOU

-ONCE UPON A TIME I KNEW I REALLY WOULD

-WELL, NOW MY DEAR

-SAD AS IT SEEMS

-THE FAIRYTALE OF A LIFETIME OF LOVE HAS FADED

-YOU MY DEAR, I ASSURE YOU THIS

-YOU WILL SPEND THE REST OF YOUR SWEET LIFE WITH ME

-IF ONLY THE REST OF YOUR LIFE WAS FARTHER THAN EITHER OF US COULD SEE

-THEN, I TOO WOULD BE BLESSED WITH THE PLEASURE

-TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH YOU

-EITHER WAY OUR VOWS STAY TRUE

-THROUGH SICKNESS AND HEALTH

-TILL DEATH DO US PART

Part 2
I lost hope and faith assuming the worst
I pray and put my faith in Christ
For health, healing and miracles
By Laura G

Image

KISSING A MEMORY

wpid-IMG_20130703_221023.jpg

What I feel from looking at this piece of art:

This piece of art makes me feel great fear in my heart that one day I will have nothing/no one to kiss but a memory. An image of his face in my mind, but no face to see with my eyes and no flesh to kiss with my lips.

image Source: pinterest
Saatchionline.com

Summary of My Current Situation

My story is long and I have been through a lot.  Some of my long time followers know the details.  However, my husband did ask that I delete some of those posts that discussed details of this entire journey right from the beginning.  I was separated from my family and I won’t discuss the details that some have already read about before I removed those posts.  The fact is that I am now back with my family, but in order for that to have happened we had to jump through hoops and are in a financial bind.

The basic problem now is that my husband is only 44 years old and was diagnosed with stage four colon cancer that metastasized to his liver.  The outlook isn’t great and he has been politely informed that he is not a candidate for surgical treatment.  We have two kids together and I have a son who is eleven from a previous relationship.  My husband and I have two daughters ages 1 and 6.  He cries because he won’t see them grow up, graduate, get married, or know his grandkids.  He cries from severe pain.  He has a mass in his colon that is very large and causes severe pain after eating.  His liver is enlarged and causes severe pain.  He gets chemotherapy every other week and brings a bag home hooked to his port for three days.  I have to help him get up, take his shoes on and off, even help him shower because moving around too much causes him so much pain.  When he gets his treatments he can only eat and drink things at room temperature because of one of the medications they use as part of the treatment.

He has stage four colon cancer metastasis to the liver and he hasn’t even reached the age of 50, which is the age they recommend beginning to get a colonoscopy regularly.  I am thirty and have been a stay at home mom for most of our marriage.  I do have a good education (Bachelor degree in health care administration and two associate degrees: one in business management and one in business marketing).  I went through postpartum depression and that is part of the reason we were separated and during that time he found out he had cancer.  We were not permanently separated, just until I got on the right medications.  So, now I am having a hard time getting a job due to my lack of employment history.  My education is on my side and I am hoping to find something soon.

I am not convinced that surgical treatment is out of the question.  Nor am I convinced that he is receiving the best treatment available.  This is likely due to his insurance, which is Medicaid.  The allowable amount for procedures, treatments, surgeries, etc. is very low for Medicaid compared to the regular fee and the allowable amount of other insurance companies.  I have made an appointment with a cancer center that specializes in colon, colorectal, and metastatic cancer to the liver for a surgical evaluation and a second opinion on the proper treatment needed.  However, this evaluation appointment will have to be paid for out of pocket until we change our Medicaid plan.  In Florida Medicaid requires you to choose a plan and use a specific network of providers.  Medicaid has different plans to choose from and I think it is ridiculous.  Medicaid is Medicaid and that should be that.

We are struggling and I have a lot of things I want to post on my blog.  I need advice about how to deal with certain aspects of this such as what to tell the children or not to tell them, etc.  I like to post my feelings through art as you all have seen.  I am trying to figure out what to expect.  I am trying to come to terms with the reality that he could die soon, but I try to believe the survival rates are wrong.  I have read instances where stage four colon cancer with metastasis to the liver has been cured.  I am trying to find the right surgeon and cancer treatment team specializing in just what he has.  I am trying to fix our insurance to see the cancer specialists I have made an appointment with that specialize in this type of cancer.  I want to fix it.  It is difficult when I am trying to fix something and in the back of my mind I have to realize it might not be something that can be fixed.  But, I am going to try and I won’t stop trying.  Thanks for the support of my followers and feel free to comment.  I enjoy comments from those that read my posts.  It lets me know I am not dealing with this alone as I am at least in the thoughts of others.  Much love to all and God Bless You!

New Treatment Option

From my understanding, based on what was told to my husband yesterday by a new doctor he went to see is that a new “trial” will be started that he is eligible for.  Because the colon cancer mestestasized to his liver this doctor wants to focus on the liver first.  They are going to be inserting a catheter that sends the medication regimen straight into his liver only.  It is almost guaranteed to reduce the cancer lesions and improve his liver issues with the cancer.  Then they will focus on the colon.  I am praying this is the answer I have been praying for.  I have been praying to God to just help him, fix it, do something else, something different, something more effective.  And I give credit and thanks to all who pray for me that follow my blog as well.  Keep praying.  Blind Faith is the life I am living and it is most certainly a life worth living.  Following the words of God.  The words of the Bible.  God bless you all and much love to all who care enough to follow my life documentary and pray for my family.

texts to my husband today

I don’t really know who reads this or even knows what the meaning behind what I post is.  However, the blog is a documentary of my life so when I want to document important things, I do.  Some of my followers know the whole story and others only know what they read.  I have taken some posts off of here due to the requests of others that were involved in what I wrote and are not as willing to put it all out there as I am.  So, respectfully, I did and all of the story is not here anymore.  But the ones who followed me back then do know the whole story.  Either way, I will continue to post as I feel the need.  Sometimes I just feel like going weeks without messing with this at all and other times I feel things are important to document since this blog is not about attention, getting followers, or anything other than documenting what I am going through at this point in my life.  I appreciate those who care enough to pray and follow me.  It means a lot.  Sio, I sent some very meaningful texts to my husband and I would like to document them on my blog.   So, here it goes.

TEXTS TO MY HUSBAND

Where there is a will there is a way. We CAN do this

Remember, no matter what satan throws our way Gods grace will prevail

You are my heart.  Remember, I love YOU for who you are and not who anyone else wants you to be.  I love the real you. I know your flaws and all. I love you for you.  The true person you are.

Even when you make mistakes or I don’t agree with some of your decisions I still love you and will always be here.

We are human.  Temptation throws us off of the right path. But, we don’t dwell on it and satan wants us to dwell on our mistakes so we will continue to make bad choices.

God wants us to trust his word that is “the full armor of God” that is in the Bible

Grace is a gift of love of forgiveness for our sins that we do not deserve

Grace is given as a gift to us by God

We earn that gift of Gods grace through our faith in Jesus Christ

Faith and Grace are two words I have been trying to understand the meaning of my entire life.

I found the verse in the bible that set me free and gave me peace.

It made everything in my life I have ever questioned make sense.

I will send it to you again.

I feel it is the most important and strongest words in the Bible.  The word of God. The truth. The way. The answer to human questions about all of Gods grace, faith, forgiveness, etc.

You know when I told you Faith and Grace were the two most powerful and meaningful words in Christianity

I did not understand why.

I just knew.  It was something I felt.

So, When I began seeking and reading the Bible I found the answer that gave me peace and made me cry. gave me that “feeling”

Write this on the inside of your Bible please

Ephesians 2: 8 – 9

For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourself, it is the gift of God; not as a result of works, that no one should boast.

Ephesians is one chapter of the Bible that I would like us to read together

I love you. These words bring me peace and I hope they do for you as well.

Soulmate.

Unconditional love.

Talk about love that never falters even tested through the storms of hell.

I always knew there was something special about us.

I love you.

Note to me from a minister

Your struggle with your past sins is an
attempt of satan to discourage you and
led you astray. God has forgiven you and
remembers them ( sins no more ). As
christains we need to stand on God,s
Grace and Mercy. He loves us. Untill we
can grasp the fact that His Grace is
sifficient for us we struggle with the
past. Paul ask God to take this thorn
from him and God replied son My Grace
is sufficient for you. We need to rest
assure that that Grace is ours and we
can abide in it. As for being baptised
again it will help you with your
spirituality and there is nothing wrong
with being baptised more than once. I
have been twice. I pray that this has
helped and I will continue holding you
up in my prayers

Life of Me

Okay,

I have been so silent and not in a poetic writing state.  However, I have been seeking the words of God.  I am trying to help my husband understand the meaning of the words, walk blindly with faith.  So, from here on, for a while atleast, my wordpress blog is going to have a lot of meaning behind faith, grace, forgiveness, repentance, and my big inspiration at the time blind faith.  Hope you will join me in this part of my life expressions.  I post what I feel.  I write what I feel.  This blog, as I said before, is ME.  It is my heart, my feelings, my trials, my struggles, my mind, my journey, as a human being and a child of God.  Much love to all.  God bless everyone and I hope to start a meaningful inspirational prayer chain for every person who is part of my blog regardless of the struggles they are going through.  Let us find our way through faith, Jesus Christ, and truth of the word of God together.

Cancer is a part of my life

I have not been writing lately.  Writer’s block, not wanting to feel emotions to the point of actually writing about them, whatever the case, today I feel like writing.  So, many people in the cancer community on wordpress face the same trials as I do.  Something, so many people are out of touch with and don’t comprehend the havoc and despair it causes for the victims and their loved ones.  It is nice to know that there is a place where people relate to what we are all experiencing.  Ultimately, it would be ideal if cancer did not exist and we did not need places to find where others understand.  I wish no one had to experience such terrible life occurrences.  I never thought it would hit this close to home.  My grandparents both died from cancer.  However, they were in their seventies.  I was only thirteen and did not grasp the concept.  My aunt died of cancer as well leaving a ten year old son and a fifteen year old daughter behind.  Shortly after that their father lost his life to Leukemia.  Still, at only thirteen it did not hit home as it has now.  They lived several states away and my relationship was not extremely close with them.  Now, I thought that was it.  How could cancer possibly strike my life again.  How? Again? And so close to my heart.  It is my husband and I still just don’t know why cancer has to be so aggressive, undiscriminating, taking victims who have done nothing to deserve it.  Well, now we have found out the not so good news.  My husband went to another cancer center for a second opinion.  He was told that they would do nothing more than what the current treatment center is doing.  Basically, they do not want to operate and are emphasizing “quality of life”.  Also, sadly he was told that he will be on chemotherapy for the rest of his life.  Does he deserve this? no.  Is he a bad person? no Did he do anything to put himself at risk for getting cancer? no.  Does he have a great life worth living for? yes.  So, my heart goes out to every single person that is reading this and experiencing a life involving someone with cancer.  We share something that others just don’t understand or grasp the full concept of the effect it has on those living with it in their lives.  I pray for all of you and let us all pray for each other and hope for the best.  Trust in God.  We don’t have the answers to everything and he does have a bigger plan.  I am praying for all cancer victims and their families.  I hope we can all create a prayer chain for this entire community of cancer victims and their families.  Pray. Pray. Pray. God bless you all and my heart goes out to all of you.