My Prayer Today

Sometimes I feel down

So close to the ground

I could be falling down a hole

Oh God, I call on you

For these moments of sadness

Oh God, I call on you to carry me through

Pull me back up, like you never fail to do

Give me Strength that only you can

Strength by your Grace

To carry me through

Pulling me up now, I feel you my Lord

You never forsake me

God, you never let me go

Thank you for carrying me when I am my weakest

Thank you for keeping me from giving up

That is not an option

Oh God, I do love him

I pray for a miracle.

I pray for him to be healed by your hand.

I love him.   I love him.

But, I do know this, Lord

He belongs to you.  He is yours God.

He is yours, He’s not mine.

I want him, oh, I want him

But God, he has been yours from his creation

Created by you.

Since his birth he has belonged to the Good Lord Above

Just like me and all others, your children we are.

And God, your Will shall be done.

Each life, Each soul, belongs to the Almighty God

In the Heavens Above.

God I want him to stay here, if you could just change your mind….

But, that is not my place, I can only tell you we would be blessed

If you would heal him

Blessed, we would be if your will was to save him

Leave him on this earth

I pray for a Miracle, God, that only you can give

Give us what we need and I honor your will to be done.

So, By the Grace of god Strengthen me for whatever comes.

I want my sweet husband here oh Lord.

But, if you need him…….

I still hope and pray for a Miracle Father.

Strengthen my family, like only you can.

by the Grace of God, Strengthen us oh Lord,

With the Grace that you give.


I want to share this page from a book titled “JESUS CALLING”

PAGE 208 : SONG OF SONGS 2:13; LUKE 10:42


Come away with me for a while.  The world, with its nonstop demands, can be put on hold.  Most people put Me on hold, rationalizing that someday they will find time to focus on Me.  But the longer people push Me into the background of their lives, the harder it is for them to find Me.

You live among people who glorify busyness; they have made time a tyrant that controls their lives.  Even those who know Me as Savior tend to march to the tempo of the World.  They have bought into the illusions that more is always better: more meetings, more programs, more activity.

I have called you to follow Me on a solitary path, making time alone with Me your highest priority and deepest Joy.  It is a pathway largely unappreciated and often despised.  However, you have chosen the better thing, which will never be taken away from you.  Moreover, as you walk close to Me, I can bless others through you.

The Negative Side of Pride


            I planned to start writing my thoughts with the following sentence.  Pride should be listed as one of the seven deadly sins.  However, to ensure I didn’t make myself look like an idiot, I looked up the seven deadly sins first.  Believable enough, Pride, is in fact, one of the seven deadly sins.  The seven deadly sins are lust, gluttony, greed, sloth, wrath, envy, and pride.  Okay, now to my writing.

Let us first evaluate the meaning of pride.  “Pride is an inwardly directed emotion that carries two meanings.  With a negative connotation, pride refers to an inflated sense of one’s personal status or accomplishments.  With a positive connotation, pride refers to a satisfied sense of attachment towards one’s own or another’s choices and actions, or toward a whole group of people and is a product of praise independent self-reflection, or a fulfilled feeling of belonging.” (  definition of pride). Pride is, in my opinion, one of the major problems in most peoples lives.  It is a human trait that will block true happiness and lead to a lifetime of regret.  Pride blocks the way of true happiness and prevents the feeling of wholeness, pureness, and “meaning” in one’s life.  We all desire to feel whole and complete.  However, that can’t be felt unless we give as much as we receive, care for others as we care for ourselves, and forgive others just as we forgive ourselves.  This is something that we fail to realize we need to recognize we have done in our lives to feel whole.  It is very interesting how humans often have the inability to recognize their own faults.  We sometimes (quite often for many people) justify our actions and avoid facing our weaknesses and downfalls. We tend to keep our mistakes and regrets to ourselves due to pride (showing a “skin” on the outside to present to others). What are we truly feeling?  Think about it.  It is shame.  Shame in ourselves and humility that we will feel if we let others see our faults.  We tend to actually overlook our own faults and avoid admitting, even to ourselves that they exist. But guess what people don’t realize?  GOD HONORS HUMILITY.  Ask yourself this question.  What is the difference between a HERO and a SAINT?  This is very important in life to contemplate, analyze, define, and really absorb the answer to this question. A hero tends to be thought of as a person with characteristics of perfection.  A hero  is  all too often viewed as one who can do no wrong (even when they are obviously wrong).  After all, they are a hero.  They are excused from their wrongs.  (Yes, I’m thinking in a tone of my own sarcasm).  Sad, but this is very true. Now the term saint is a Christian term and you will be very interested in its meaning.  A saint is the equivalent to a hero in Christianity, but with a very different definition than that of a hero in terms of Greek mythology (and as we view a “hero”).  In Christianity the main characteristic of a hero is demonstrated by one who is honorable enough to face humility.  However, Christians refer to this as being a saint rather than a hero.  Christianity emphasizes humility “ illustrate ‘that no virtue can possibly be perfectly acquired or continue without the grace of discretion’ “(Wikipedia).

The interpretation of Proverbs 23:23 is as follows.  Pride ends in humiliation, while humility brings honor.   The pride of a son of man will humiliate him and his humility will increase honor to him

Jas 4:6 “but he gives more grace.  therefore he says: God resists the proud but gives grace to the humble.  No human is perfect.  Only God is perfect and he honors us for having the ability and respect for him to stand tall and admit that we are not greater than another, for we all make mistakes. We are all human.

To get to my main point, my personal opinion and belief is that pride is a major cause of the interference of finding continuous and lasting meaning and happiness in life. I have always put my pride to the side (not always, I am human).  Correction: I have tried to put my pride to the side whilst taking pride in my actions and ability to admit when I have done wrong.  It is very hard to be honest and tell someone that you have done something that is wrong.  Something you knew was wrong and you just can’t explain why you were led in that direction.  My belief is that the truth will set you free.  If I lose someone’s “APPROVAL” of me as a person, so be it.  I can’t live with secrets and lies in my life.  When I do wrong I am sorry.  I learn from my mistake, take the weight of the consequences, and learn not to mess up again.  I AM HUMAN.  SO ARE YOU.  I AM NOT PERFECT.  NEITHER ARE YOU.  IF YOU SAY YOU ARE YOU ARE LYING.  BUT, YOU CAN LIE TO ME ALL YOU WANT TO.  YOU CAN’T LIE TO YOURSELF AND YOU CAN’T LIE TO GOD.  It is all about what you can live with because when you go to your grave you have a lifetime of decisions, actions, good doings, and wrong doings to take to the grave with you.  You must accept that your life was what you made it.  Nobody else made your life a certain way and if they did you chose to let them.  Many people do wrong and then live a lie just because they can’t face humility or put aside their pride to make things right by setting things straight.  It is too hard to bear the shame, so people live a life of regret after regret after regret all because they could not clear the air and move in the direction they really wish to because they can’t say, I did wrong, I made a mistake, lets do what needs to be done to correct or fix it. Let’s get the truth out so we can do what needs to be done to move on and LIVE BY TRUTH.  So many people miss out on meaningful relationships and life experiences because they can’t admit they are wrong and they continue to refuse to apologize or admit their own faults.  For if they admit they have done wrong and some blame is on them, they will lose their pride. What will their family think?  Do they “cover their ass” and lose what means something to them or do they speak the truth and move on with the person they love.  People will regret these decisions when they realize they have lost time with their loved ones and severed relationships with others that could have been very lasting and meaningful relationships whether it be with family, friends, or significant others.  My point is PEOPLE WILL HURT NOT ONLY OTHERS, BUT THEY ACTUALLY HURT THEMSELF, JUST BECAUSE THEY PASS ON ADMITTING THEY ARE WRONG, THEY DESERVE SOME BLAME IN A SITUATION, THEY MADE A MISTAKE OR STRETCHED THE TRUTH OR JUST ALTERED THE FACTS.  Personally, if I can really feel something pulling at me and causing guilt, regret, etc. I would rather clear the air to move on, whether it be with or without the person I need to tell.  Just getting it out is better than living with it and having it interfere with your life.  Now, if it is something you can live with and it isn’t causing continuous problems then I would not say you must reveal every single thing that is in your past. It is when it is causing you to lose a relationship that could be saved by putting your pride aside and admitting your faults.  It is equally important to admit your faults and mistakes if it will stop problems over something that is causing continuous interference in your life and decreasing your quality of life and happiness.  When you leave this Earth, know you made the most of your life.  Don’t leave with regrets.  God honors humility.  We are all human and even though putting your pride aside and admitting you have done wrong or given false information or stating that you could have made a few different choices on how you reacted to things in relationships, it will lead to happiness and fulfillment.

If something is in the past and it is not causing any problems in your life, pulling at your conscious or preventing you from being happy and moving forward, it is okay to let it go and silently ask God for forgiveness and move on without making the same mistakes.  However, if putting your pride aside, will in any way, increase your happiness and quality of life please face the humility.  Get it over with and move on so that the truth will allow you to do what needs to be done to fix the problem, allow forgiveness, and move forward.  Remember these two very important facts.



Proverbs 23:23 Pride ends in humiliation, while humility brings honor.

The pride of a son of man will humiliate him and his humility will increase honor to him

Jas 4:6 “but he gives more grace.  therefore he says: God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble.

Vows Stay True


















Part 2
I lost hope and faith assuming the worst
I pray and put my faith in Christ
For health, healing and miracles
By Laura G

They are planning to try this on my husband

Friday, 26 April 2013
ST. LOUIS – Interventional radiologists at Saint Louis University Hospital have a new alternative for liver cancer patients with Yttrium-90 (Y90) radioembolization, infusion of radiation impregnated beads therapy directly targeting cancer cells without an external beam.

In the procedure, radiologists infuse a high dose of tiny microscopic beads called radioisotope Yttrium-90 into the liver tumor through a catheter in the groin. The beads are trapped inside the tumor bed and directly destroy and kill cancer cells.

“We are able to go right into the tumor bed with no collateral damage to healthy tissue,” says Rotimi Johnson, MD, interventional radiologist at Saint Louis University Hospital and a SLUCare physician. “The particles target only the tumor.”

The beads decay inside the tumor over a period of two weeks.

Traditional radiation therapy is most commonly delivered by external beam radiation. Patients lie down as machines target the cancerous tumor. However, as the radiation is delivered from outside, it comes into contact with healthy tissue in the body.

“It’s a significant difference from radiating from the skin surface,” says Dr. Johnson. “This is all internal.”

While the concept to deliver internal radiation through brachytherapy is not new, Y90 radioembolization is relatively new to the medical landscape. The outpatient procedure is for a growing population of patients with advanced stage liver cancer.

“This is for patients with metastatic or primary liver tumors,” says Dr. Johnson. “It’s been well tolerated by our patients and they’ve been doing really well.”


About Saint Louis University Hospital

Saint Louis University Hospital is a 356-licensed bed quaternary/tertiary referral center located in the heart of the city of St. Louis. Approximately 75 percent of patients are drawn from a 150-mile radius. Through affiliation as the teaching hospital for Saint Louis University, the hospital provides patients and their families with an environment of medical innovation. Working in this endeavor are the hospital’s medical staff partners, SLUCare, the physicians of Saint Louis University. The hospital admits more than 17,000 patients annually, performs more than 200 organ transplants a year and is a Level I Trauma Center that treats more than 2,000 major trauma cases a year. For more information, please visit


Summary of My Current Situation

My story is long and I have been through a lot.  Some of my long time followers know the details.  However, my husband did ask that I delete some of those posts that discussed details of this entire journey right from the beginning.  I was separated from my family and I won’t discuss the details that some have already read about before I removed those posts.  The fact is that I am now back with my family, but in order for that to have happened we had to jump through hoops and are in a financial bind.

The basic problem now is that my husband is only 44 years old and was diagnosed with stage four colon cancer that metastasized to his liver.  The outlook isn’t great and he has been politely informed that he is not a candidate for surgical treatment.  We have two kids together and I have a son who is eleven from a previous relationship.  My husband and I have two daughters ages 1 and 6.  He cries because he won’t see them grow up, graduate, get married, or know his grandkids.  He cries from severe pain.  He has a mass in his colon that is very large and causes severe pain after eating.  His liver is enlarged and causes severe pain.  He gets chemotherapy every other week and brings a bag home hooked to his port for three days.  I have to help him get up, take his shoes on and off, even help him shower because moving around too much causes him so much pain.  When he gets his treatments he can only eat and drink things at room temperature because of one of the medications they use as part of the treatment.

He has stage four colon cancer metastasis to the liver and he hasn’t even reached the age of 50, which is the age they recommend beginning to get a colonoscopy regularly.  I am thirty and have been a stay at home mom for most of our marriage.  I do have a good education (Bachelor degree in health care administration and two associate degrees: one in business management and one in business marketing).  I went through postpartum depression and that is part of the reason we were separated and during that time he found out he had cancer.  We were not permanently separated, just until I got on the right medications.  So, now I am having a hard time getting a job due to my lack of employment history.  My education is on my side and I am hoping to find something soon.

I am not convinced that surgical treatment is out of the question.  Nor am I convinced that he is receiving the best treatment available.  This is likely due to his insurance, which is Medicaid.  The allowable amount for procedures, treatments, surgeries, etc. is very low for Medicaid compared to the regular fee and the allowable amount of other insurance companies.  I have made an appointment with a cancer center that specializes in colon, colorectal, and metastatic cancer to the liver for a surgical evaluation and a second opinion on the proper treatment needed.  However, this evaluation appointment will have to be paid for out of pocket until we change our Medicaid plan.  In Florida Medicaid requires you to choose a plan and use a specific network of providers.  Medicaid has different plans to choose from and I think it is ridiculous.  Medicaid is Medicaid and that should be that.

We are struggling and I have a lot of things I want to post on my blog.  I need advice about how to deal with certain aspects of this such as what to tell the children or not to tell them, etc.  I like to post my feelings through art as you all have seen.  I am trying to figure out what to expect.  I am trying to come to terms with the reality that he could die soon, but I try to believe the survival rates are wrong.  I have read instances where stage four colon cancer with metastasis to the liver has been cured.  I am trying to find the right surgeon and cancer treatment team specializing in just what he has.  I am trying to fix our insurance to see the cancer specialists I have made an appointment with that specialize in this type of cancer.  I want to fix it.  It is difficult when I am trying to fix something and in the back of my mind I have to realize it might not be something that can be fixed.  But, I am going to try and I won’t stop trying.  Thanks for the support of my followers and feel free to comment.  I enjoy comments from those that read my posts.  It lets me know I am not dealing with this alone as I am at least in the thoughts of others.  Much love to all and God Bless You!

New Treatment Option

From my understanding, based on what was told to my husband yesterday by a new doctor he went to see is that a new “trial” will be started that he is eligible for.  Because the colon cancer mestestasized to his liver this doctor wants to focus on the liver first.  They are going to be inserting a catheter that sends the medication regimen straight into his liver only.  It is almost guaranteed to reduce the cancer lesions and improve his liver issues with the cancer.  Then they will focus on the colon.  I am praying this is the answer I have been praying for.  I have been praying to God to just help him, fix it, do something else, something different, something more effective.  And I give credit and thanks to all who pray for me that follow my blog as well.  Keep praying.  Blind Faith is the life I am living and it is most certainly a life worth living.  Following the words of God.  The words of the Bible.  God bless you all and much love to all who care enough to follow my life documentary and pray for my family.

texts to my husband today

I don’t really know who reads this or even knows what the meaning behind what I post is.  However, the blog is a documentary of my life so when I want to document important things, I do.  Some of my followers know the whole story and others only know what they read.  I have taken some posts off of here due to the requests of others that were involved in what I wrote and are not as willing to put it all out there as I am.  So, respectfully, I did and all of the story is not here anymore.  But the ones who followed me back then do know the whole story.  Either way, I will continue to post as I feel the need.  Sometimes I just feel like going weeks without messing with this at all and other times I feel things are important to document since this blog is not about attention, getting followers, or anything other than documenting what I am going through at this point in my life.  I appreciate those who care enough to pray and follow me.  It means a lot.  Sio, I sent some very meaningful texts to my husband and I would like to document them on my blog.   So, here it goes.


Where there is a will there is a way. We CAN do this

Remember, no matter what satan throws our way Gods grace will prevail

You are my heart.  Remember, I love YOU for who you are and not who anyone else wants you to be.  I love the real you. I know your flaws and all. I love you for you.  The true person you are.

Even when you make mistakes or I don’t agree with some of your decisions I still love you and will always be here.

We are human.  Temptation throws us off of the right path. But, we don’t dwell on it and satan wants us to dwell on our mistakes so we will continue to make bad choices.

God wants us to trust his word that is “the full armor of God” that is in the Bible

Grace is a gift of love of forgiveness for our sins that we do not deserve

Grace is given as a gift to us by God

We earn that gift of Gods grace through our faith in Jesus Christ

Faith and Grace are two words I have been trying to understand the meaning of my entire life.

I found the verse in the bible that set me free and gave me peace.

It made everything in my life I have ever questioned make sense.

I will send it to you again.

I feel it is the most important and strongest words in the Bible.  The word of God. The truth. The way. The answer to human questions about all of Gods grace, faith, forgiveness, etc.

You know when I told you Faith and Grace were the two most powerful and meaningful words in Christianity

I did not understand why.

I just knew.  It was something I felt.

So, When I began seeking and reading the Bible I found the answer that gave me peace and made me cry. gave me that “feeling”

Write this on the inside of your Bible please

Ephesians 2: 8 – 9

For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourself, it is the gift of God; not as a result of works, that no one should boast.

Ephesians is one chapter of the Bible that I would like us to read together

I love you. These words bring me peace and I hope they do for you as well.


Unconditional love.

Talk about love that never falters even tested through the storms of hell.

I always knew there was something special about us.

I love you.

Note to me from a minister

Your struggle with your past sins is an
attempt of satan to discourage you and
led you astray. God has forgiven you and
remembers them ( sins no more ). As
christains we need to stand on God,s
Grace and Mercy. He loves us. Untill we
can grasp the fact that His Grace is
sifficient for us we struggle with the
past. Paul ask God to take this thorn
from him and God replied son My Grace
is sufficient for you. We need to rest
assure that that Grace is ours and we
can abide in it. As for being baptised
again it will help you with your
spirituality and there is nothing wrong
with being baptised more than once. I
have been twice. I pray that this has
helped and I will continue holding you
up in my prayers